


How Can I Keep Walking?

by Go_Beyond



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Abusive Marian Cross, Alternate Universe - High School, But so is Lavi, Depressed Allen Walker, Depression, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kanda Yuu Swears a Lot, Kanda is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Mentions of Death, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Please Don't Hate Me, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-02-28 19:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18762913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Go_Beyond/pseuds/Go_Beyond
Summary: Allen Walker was used to being discarded and used by those around him, but was it too much to ask to keep the friends that he had made?Allen Walker wears long sleeves to conceal his bruises, but it's hard to wear a mask that crumbles at the first sign of trouble. Will his friends be enough to pull him out of the situation he's in?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is a fanfiction of mine that I'm revamping from another site I used to write on. I love these boys but you'll find out pretty soon that my form of love is in the shape of misery LOL.   
> I really hope you all enjoy but this story will have a lot of triggering content. HEED THE WARNINGS IN THE TAGS.

Allen was better off alone, he always had been. After Mana died, what else was he supposed to do? Mana was the only one who loved him, the only one who would could have understood the struggles he had gone through prior to their meeting. Allen sat at his grave, leaving wet streaks down his pale face. He was sure he would die here, and for some reason, the thought didn’t scare him. He had nowhere else to go and a death as pathetic as this suited him. 

Allen never understood why bad things happen to good people. Mana was good right? He was good to Allen, he made him smile and he fed him, even if he couldn't feed himself. He had even let him play with his dogs before they had become acquainted with each other. Surely someone as good as Mana didn’t deserve to die like this? 

As Allen’s memories of Mana continued to torment his brain, the images not ceasing for even a second, he pulled his head into his hands, his short white hair falling over his eyes. He rocked himself back and forth, the snow on the ground not bothering his already numb appendages, allowing the unrelenting sobs to rack his body and until he felt his lungs would burst from lack of oxygen.

From the corner of his eye, he could see a man was wondering out in the distance, but Allen didn't pay attention to him. The man was tall, with long hair from what he could make out, but Allen’s vision was skewed due to the tears that constantly ebbed at the edges of his vision. There was no point in crying over it, but why did it have to hurt so bad? 

Allen had lost track of time as he continued to let himself cry, not caring if he ever opened his eyes again. The sound of snow crunching off to the right of him startled him enough to open his curious, silver eyes. As his eyes focused, the man was right in front of him. As Allen looked up, he could see a drunk man with a knife in his hand. 

"What're you doin' out here so late boy?" The man asked, his words slurring, but an answer couldn’t come to him. The words were trapped in his throat, partially from fear, partially from not having the strength to answer a stranger who had nothing to do with him.

_ “Just let me die…” _ Allen thought to himself as his vision began to blur from exhaustion and hunger.  

The man leaned forward in a fast, but shaky motion and grabbed Allen by the hair, yanking him up. A yelp was yanked from the small boy, his head pounding from how tight the man was holding his hair. 

"I asked you a fuckin' question, kid. Ya had better start answerin’.” the tall man threatened. Allen’s eyes went wide with panic when he realized that the man had pressed the knife against his face, his grip was so tight on the knife that his fingers were turning white. As Allen went to answer, he heard a voice to his left, surprising both him and the drunk man.

Allen struggled against the man, digging his nails into the man’s wrist as hard as he could, feeling the soft flesh giving way as his nails dug deeper. Another spike of panic ran through Allen as the man jerked his wrist and Allen could feel the sting of a fresh wound against the middle of his face. The man had cut him, but before he had gotten the chance to do so again, Allen fell out of the man's grasp, and a tall figure appeared in front of him. 

"I suggest you leave, before I stick that knife up your ass and make your sorry ass into a shishkebab.” the new man said, his eyes narrowed as he watched the drunk man carefully, his stance unwavering as he stood with his hands in his pockets.

The drunk man scrambled to get away once the other man had taken a step towards him. Allen had retreated to Mana’s tombstone, crying and clutching at the side of his face where he had been cut. The tall figure approached him. 

"Are you Allen Walker?" He asked, pulling a cigarette from his pocket and placing it loosely between his lips.

Allen gave a weak nod as he looked the man over cautiously, not knowing this man or how he knew his name. The man had long, crimson red hair that was left down with a goatee to match. His eyes were a dull red rimmed with golden frames that disappeared into his hair with a white patch over the right side of his face. His clothes were simple, a black trench coat with black pants and boots with golden trim on the heels.

“I am…” Allen answered weakly as he turned away to look at Mana’s grave once more, trying not to cry anymore than he already had. With that, the tall man picked him up.

“In that case, you’re Mana’s kid. He asked me to take care of you in the event that he was to pass away. I’ve come to do that. The name’s Cross Marian” was all he said as he placed Allen into the back of a black car that stunk of old cigarette smoke.

Allen didn't dare say a thing. He knew that if he knew his father, he could trust him right? He wouldn't have to be alone anymore. As Allen watched Cross start the car and turn on the engine from the back seat, he wondered why Mana had never mentioned him. If he trusted him enough to look after his only son, why had he never said anything. 

Allen realized he was staring at Cross, who was staring straight back at him in the rear view mirror, so he turned his gaze to the window as the car lurched forward. 

"We're going home now. And you work for me." He sped off down the street, a look of amusement and irritation adorned his strong features as he drove however; Allen was already sleeping peacefully in the back of the car. 

-x-

Five months had passed since Cross had found Allen at Mana’s  grave. Currently, he sat in the office of an elementary school as Cross filled out paperwork. Because of the incident he had, had with the man in the cemetery, he had a bright red mark that adored his adorable face. He bounced up and down in the seat, excited to go to school with other people his age. He had never had friends before, so he was excited to begin school.

"Stop that, little shit." Cross said in a hushed tone as he continued to write, never looking up from the paperwork as he spoke. Allen immediately stopped. He didn't want to be hit again, but he was happy living with Cross. It wasn't all bad. He had a warm place to sleep, Cross always fed him at least twice a day, and he had a television. 

-x-

It had been a month since Allen Walker had began school and he already had two friends. Lavi Bookman Jr. and Lenalee Lee. Both of them had approached him on the first day of school to ask about the scar on his cheek on why his arm was disfigured and red. 

Allen told them it because he was busy fighting bad guys, laughing at the thought of it as the other two joined him in laughter. Since then, they had been inseparable. 

Lenalee Lee was a cute little girl with short green hair that reached her chin with large, curious purple eyes that stared in amazement at everything around her. Allen learned that she lived with her big brother because their parents had gone on a long trip and she wasn’t sure when they would be coming back. 

Lavi Bookman was taller than Allen, but not by much. He wore a black eye patch on the right side of his face and his hair was a fiery red, a tousled mess on the top of his head that fell into his face. He had an inviting smile, although it was missing a few teeth, but Allen enjoyed their company everyday at school. 

A couple months into the school year, another student had transferred into the school much like Allen had and he had been placed in the trios class. However, he wasn’t as inviting of their friendship as Allen had been at the beginning of his time in the school. Every time the group approached him, there was yelling and things being thrown, the teacher was always stressed when it came to the new boy whose name was Yuu Kanda. However, he hated being called Yuu, and threatened to kill anyone who called him by that name.

Eventually though, by some miracle by god (and convincing from Lenalee), he had become part of their group and the number of close friends Allen had went from two to three all in the first year of school! Allen didn’t care how much Cross hit him when he was home, as long as he had his three friends, he could continue to smile brightly without fear of consequences. 


	2. Starting Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a rather rough morning, including an encounter with Cross, Allen takes to busying himself with his friends instead. He felt obligated to not be a burden on anyone.

**_"Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul."_ **

**_\----------------_ **

_It's okay._ Allen thought to himself as he was retreating to his room. “ _I'll just get in the shower and then I'll head out for school.”_ Cross was going to be passed out by the time he was done but he decided to go through the back door instead, just to be safe. He didn't need another surprise attack.

Allen made it to the bathroom as he stripped off his white button shirt that was soaked with his blood. Next he kicked off his slacks and shoes to the side, he re-wear those- he didn't get blood on them. He stepped into the shower that was ice cold, but he didn't mind, neither did the bruises that riddled his body.

After close to ten minutes, he got out and pulled his slacks and boxers back on, walking to his room. The feeling of the cold air against his bruising body was refreshing as he breathed in deeply, attempting to quell the panic that was beginning to bubble in his chest and threatened to materialize in his throat.

Through the years, Allen memorized every step of this house. Where it made noise when he walked, where it didn't, how much pressure he could put on each place. He always needed to be quiet, he didn't want to upset Master Cross.

He tried to clear his mind as he stepped into his room. The room was small and relatively empty. His belongings had begun to dwindle through the years as they were used as weapons against him when Cross would get confrontational. After all, why buy another lamp when the last one was shattered against your head? His bed was neatly made, blood stains scattered across the tattered, aging yellow fabric. His dresser sat by the closet, the mirror attached having lost its glass long ago, and his closet held very few clothes. He quietly slid the door of his closet open and slipped on a long sleeved sweatshirt. It had to be long sleeved, Allen couldn’t recall the last time he had worn something short sleeved, the sight of the bruises and his weak body pissed him off. As the years went on, he quickly learned that one, you can't hide bruises with short sleeves. And two, no one ever really questioned it.

 _“Because no one gives a fuck about a broken mess like you, Allen.”_ His mind whispered as he struggled to shake the thoughts free from his head.

There are so many things Allen has yet to understand. Why he lost Mana at such a young age, why he allowed himself to be a punching bag, or why he was even still _breathing._ It was interesting to him the ways others reacted to different life situations. How would most of the people at his school, or even his friends, react if they had the shit beat out of them for eating too loudly or looking at someone too long? Everyday, for that matter.

As he put on his shoes, Allen felt it coming. The panic attacks that he hated more than he hated himself- which was an impressive feat for him. He raced down the stairs, not caring if Cross heard him bounding down the stairs, but if Cross heard him crying, he knew the beating that would ensue would be even worse.

He grabbed his bag and fled from the house, running until he was at least a block away before he was able to stop. He slumped onto a nearby building, his legs and chest on fire as he hugged himself, wishing the world would just go away. His breaths came in short, quick pants and his body began to shake as he held himself. Panic attacks were something he was used to going through alone, he was always alone, so it’s easy to get used to. As he allowed his body to react to the events of the morning, he knew his friends were going to arrive at their meeting place shortly, and that he’d have to think of yet another excuse for why he looked like this.

He had a bruise on his jaw and a cut on the bridge of his nose, his hair was still not completely dry and water droplets formed on the ends of his hair and slid onto his numb face. In his mind, he began searching for excuses he hadn't used yet. He was positive his friends didn't suspect a thing even though he was a terrible liar, though part of him wanted to think they were also smart enough to call him on his bullshit- though they never had.

After coming up with a reasonable excuse he heard footsteps nearing,but he didn't look up. He already knew who it was.

Immediately the laughter that followed the group stopped and suddenly their footsteps sounded louder, the sound of bookbags and keys came closer to him. _It's okay._ He thought to himself again. _Everyone lies every now and then right?_ But alas, that logic never occurred to him. It was his best friends, so what was he was so damn afraid of? _You're pathetic._

Suddenly a strong pair of arms were around him and a soft hand ran through his hair. He looked up to see a blurry looking Lavi Bookman, and a worried Lenalee.

"Allen, what happened? Did someone say some shit again? I told those fucking assholes I’d break ‘em in half if they fucked with you again." Lavi sounded irritated and worried as he held him to his chest. Behind the leather jacket that Lavi was wearing, Allen could hear his heart beating quickly, the grip on his shoulders was shaking from the anger he was no doubt feeling.

"You look a bit banged up.. was it those guys from before?" Lenalee asked as she crouched in front of him, carefully wiping the tears from his face with her hoodie sleeve. She was always the most gentle with him when he was like this.

 _“If she keeps looking at me like that, I'm going to crack..”_ Allen thought to himself. He couldn't bring himself to speak, _to lie,_ to his best friends so he simply nodded. Technically, in his clouded train of thought, he wasn't lying. Someone did beat the shit out of him.. it just wasn't multitudes of people as he had suggested in the past. He felt Lavi sigh, the way his breath left his lungs and made a smoky cloud in the November air.

"Do ya wanna skip today? We could go see that movie we were talking about the other day and then go get something to eat?" Allen simply shook his head and weakly got to his feet as he broke away from the embrace of the tall redhead.

"Lets just go to school and do our best okay?" Allen said with his famous _I'm totally okay, nothing wrong here, no- never,_ smile.

Hesitantly they nodded and they walked on either side of him. The bleeding on his nose had subsided and he was starting to feel a bit better as they walked to Kanda's house.

Kanda was his friend but.. not. They didn't get along and he's pretty sure he only spoke to him because of Lavi and Lenalee, who he fought with, just not as much or as intensely. Allen pondered their relationship as he wiped at his nose, getting rid of what little blood was left after his shower so he looked somewhat presentable for school.

Lavi knocked on the door large white door and after several minutes, he made his entrance, looking as grumpy and unsociable as usual. In silence, they made their way to school. Apparently, Kanda had a car, but said that we would kill the interior with our disgusting habits, so therefore, they walked. Walking a couple of blocks to school in the cold was a hell of a lot better than riding a school bus.

He could feel Kanda's gaze on him but he didn't say anything so Lavi spoke for him. "It was those fucking guys again. They got Allen when he was walking to school." Lavi said as he shook his head, his red hair falling into his face as he did so.

As he was talking, he pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, taking a drag before handing it to Kanda. Kanda didn't look too convinced. "Again?" He said, raising an eyebrow in suspicious. His voice as uninterested and unconvinced as it always had been.

"Why haven't we seen them? What, do they just kick your ass and run away? They have to be looki-" an elbow in the stomach shut him up, which Allen was thankful for having a fearless Lavi around. Kanda was silent for the rest of the walk to school.

“Contrary to popular belief, Kanda” Allen spit his name as he continued to talk, not giving him so much as a glance “some people don’t want to be caught after committing a crime, so they leave the scene of the crime.”

The only reply that came was a click of his tongue and Lavi sighed into a laughter as he watched the two of them, but Allen didn’t find anything funny about the situation. Kanda didn’t understand depression, he didn’t know what it was like- he never would. Quite frankly, Allen never wanted to relate to him on anything.

Something about Kanda’s constant state of irritation and arrogance always managed to put Allen into a worse mood than he had been previously.

The greatest thing about being friends with some of the most liked kids in school, is that no one messed with you. If they did? Well, that was pretty much the end of their social careers. Lavi was the valedictorian of the Senior class, but he's a lot smarter than just some stupid school title. He was more sociable by all means, and he had dirt on _everyone._ So that was one way. Kanda used brute force whenever needed; he hasn't lost a fight yet. Lenalee's talent came in the form of using the fact that her brother was the principal as an advantage.

So, Allen never had much to worry about. He was an openly homosexual male who had 3.. okay make that 2 1/2, of the best friends he could ever have. Home was hell, but his friends were his real family. All their homes had been wonderful, even Bookman who was strict, was still kind to Allen; sometimes letting him come over at odd hours of the night because Allen was having "nightmares" _mental breakdowns._

However, even with all these good things that had come into his life, there was a shadow of uncertainty in his life. Allen, who had overcome the impossible, could not possibly overcome the demons that he hid both at home, and under his shirt.

-x-

 

That day at lunch, Allen had been sitting with Lavi, Kanda, and Lenalee as they all ate their lunches. Lavi had been complaining about how hard his calculus class was. Allen had calmed down a fair amount from the events of the morning so he wasn’t in such a sour mood as he listened to his friends story with amusement.

 

“It’s a curse truly. I am this good looking with the brains to match, but somehow my teacher is immune to my very obvious charm.” Lavi said around a bite of his sandwich as Kanda sighed.

 

“I think you mean the lack of tact you have. Along with the fact that you very obviously have never gone past first base with anyone **ever**.” Kanda finished as he took a drink of water.

 

Lenalee and Lavi simultaneously choked on their food as they looked at their friend- one with amusement, the other complete betrayal. Allen took this moment to look between his friends, wondering how a group of complete opposites in every way could have become friends and stayed friends for so long. Kanda’s long hair came into view of Allen’s thoughts as he was stuck in thought, wondering why he kept it so long.

 

“It looks good on him at least.” Allen thought to himself but shook his head and internally rolled his eyes as he tuned back into the conversation.

 

“Says the virgin who's never even kissed anyone.” Lavi retorted as he stuck his tongue out childishly at Kanda before Lenalee interjected.

 

“So, after school today, lets go to Lavi’s house. I have been wanting to play video games all weekend and you owe me after accidentally telling Komui about the guy I went on a date with” she said as she gathered her trash in a neat pile, looking please.

 

“I would have let you all come over with or without the blackmail.” Lavi muttered as he finished his food.

 

“It’s settled then, see you all after school!” Lenalee said happily as the bell rang and she walked away happily, throwing her trash away before disappearing into the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye, another chapter. I'm trying not to alter the orignial too much but my writing from a couple years back needs Jesus (and I don't mean me LOL).  
> Feel free to reach out!  
> Insta: lavithewinner  
> Twitter: httpyoongi_


	3. The Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang heads out to Lavi's home but trouble follows when Kanda presses for the answers he knows Allen won't give him. Allen has another run in with Cross.

**_"Mental anguish always results from the avoidance of legitimate suffering."_ **

After school, Allen walked with Lavi to the usual spot outside. It was cold outside, so their breath fogged a bit and it nipped at their noses as they stood together, waiting for Lenalee and Kanda.

Kanda and Lenalee had class on the other side of campus so they had no choice but to freeze their asses off until they made their way over. Lavi glanced over at Allen and it looked like he was about to speak but Allen interjected.

"Lavi I'm okay, really. You don't need to worry so much, at least it won't scar right?" Allen said, his lies already rehearsed in his head. Lavi sighed softly, a puff of smoke clouding his face.

"That's not what I was going to ask, but thanks for the reassurance." Lavi said, not looking at all convinced.

Lavi turned away so he could scout out where the rest of their group was. Allen allowed his eyes to wander over his friends body, admittedly, he had always been jealous of Lavi. When they were younger, Lavi was always taller than him, but as they got their older, the difference in their height grew more and more. Now, Allen stood at a solid five foot seven inches, while Lavi towered over him at a solid six foot two.

His shoulders were broad and he had a lean figure but he was definitely toned. He had, had the honor of seeing his six pack for many years and the beautiful curve of his v line that disappeared into his pants. Lavi had flaming red hair and deep emerald eyes that seemed to pull you in when you have a conversation with him. His smile was also something to be reckoned with, it was brighter than the sun and his laugh was like music of the angels- or maybe Allen was just being overly dramatic.

His jaw was perfect and the sharp curve of his chin, the spark in his eyes when he became passionate about something made him smile. Lavi’s style was more laid back than himself or Kanda, he was often seen wearing shirts that fit his biceps just right with a pair of jeans and he always wore his red scarf- no matter the weather.

Lavi turned his attention back to Allen, his boots scraping against the asphalt.

"If they don't get their asses out here, we're going to have a problem." Lavi laughed gently, the cold air making his laugh tangible, if only for a moment.

Allen felt himself blushing as he gave his friend a quick smile before he turned away to see Lenalee and Kanda make their way over, complaining about the long speech their teacher decided to give them.

As promised at lunch, they all set off to go to Lavi’s house to play video games, though Allen was sure Lenalee was just trying to avoid going home to an overly emotional Komui. Going to Lavi’s house meant he had to see Bookman, which wasn’t unpleasant, but he always felt like he was being watched. Bookman was a psychiatrist that made it to The New York Times best seller list. His books often consistent of how trauma affects a human’s behaviors, mainly focusing on pediatric psychology, all the way up to when a person's brain stops developing at around twenty-three.

Allen tried to avoid having conversations with Bookman as much as possible because he was afraid Bookman would be able to pick up on small things that he did out of habit without thinking about. Like flinching when someone moved too fast or having to fight back tears if someone around him was yelling- even if it wasn’t at him. His friends had always been a bit more relaxed (except for when Kanda went on his murderous rampages against Lavi), but those were few and far in between these days. He might be able to fool his friends, but there is no way he would be able to fool a trained psychologist.

As they trudged down the street, Lavi lit a cigarette and passed it to Kanda, much like they did every day before and after school. Their conversation had stopped, which Allen had not been paying any attention to, and for some reason,  it felt like they were watching him.

He turned his attention away from them, awkwardly adjusting his book bag as he continued to walk as though he hadn’t noticed.

"So bean sprout," Kanda said, the arrogance in his voice really shining through that smug face of his.  "Do you know _who_ kicked your ass this morning? Or is it another bullshit story?"

 _Fuck._ Allen thought, _I really hate him._ he just shrugged it off. They all knew Cross wasn't a great role model or guardian so he used his background as an excuse for multiple reasons, mainly the bruises and the fact that he was jumped so often.

Allen could tell from the tone in Kanda’s voice that this wasn’t something he was going to let go of so easily, especially since he seldom brought it up more than once at any given altercation that Allen had, had in the past.

"I think it was just some guys who Cross owes. This isn't the first time it's happened." Allen let that hang in the air between them before he sighed and held up his hands in mock defeat, smiling at them awkwardly.

"Anyways, I want to forget about it so let's just quit talking about it okay?" Lavi and Lenalee seemed compliant but Kanda glared at the back of his head.

Allen pretended not to notice as he hopped up the stairs to Lavi's gigantic home. Contrary to popular belief, although his home was huge, it was pretty much empty. Save for the library that took up at least 4 rooms and Lavi's room which was, you guessed it, connected to the library. The house itself had hardwood floors through its interior, with black marble counter tops and the seats at the dining table were also black.

Towards the back of the house was a room that Allen had never even peeked into because it was Bookman’s office and quite frankly, he wasn’t going to try and irritate the man who worked in there. Bookman could be quite scary when he was mad, in his own passive aggressive way.

He opened the doors, years of being friends with him made it 2nd nature to walk in without knocking. As he walked in, he slipped off his boots at the door and slung his bag on the marble table tops in the kitchen. He never had anything so nice in his life, so going to Lavi's house almost made him feel like he had a home. He almost felt guilty for wanting to come over so much but Lavi assured him he was welcome at any time.

Lenalee took a seat next to him as Bookman emerged from his study, off to the side of the kitchen. He looked tired, but then again he always did. Bookman was a short man who was of obvious Asian decent, though Allen never dared ask, and he had very little hair that he kept bound by a ponytail. They sometimes joked that Bookman was Kanda 50 years in the future. Bookman came into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge before he turned his attention to Lavi.

"Your homework comes before playing with your friends Lavi." Lavi just gave a firm nod as Bookman looked at the 3 other children standing in his kitchen. "Lee, Kanda, .. Walker." Allen could have sworn he saw Bookman's expression soften when he said his name, but if it did, it was so slight that it didn't quite make a difference. He made his way back into his study before closing the door softly behind him.

After grabbing whatever snack they felt like eating, they all migrated to Lavi's room which had a huge TV and gaming systems. Allen never played much, he just watched Lavi and Kanda yell at each other when the other lost. It was entertaining enough to keep his mind off of where he had to go in a few short hours.

Lavi plopped into his bed and Lenalee chose the game, as usual. She decided on _Persona 4 Arena_ which was a fighting game, based off the popular series _Persona._ Of course, the only two people who liked that game were Lavi and Lenalee, so Kanda and Allen left them to battle it out.

Allen and Kanda took their usual seats at the back of the room and they were both silent, both not having much to say to the other. Occasionally, Allen would allow his gaze to flicker over to the older male, not quite sure what to make of him. Kanda was Japanese, that much he knew from conversations they had during childhood. Kanda was more slender than Lavi, but he had a lot more muscle to him because Kanda was very adamant about training religiously and make sure he kept himself healthy.

Allen had always admired his long, black hair which was always neatly kept back by a high ponytail with the rare occasion of him taking it down, if only for a minutes. He had dark, enticing cobalt eyes that caught your eye even if you weren’t trying to look at him.

Though he would never mention any of this to anyone, he could admit to himself that Kanda was definitely attractive, if he kept his fucking mouth shut, which he never did and Allen deduced he would probably die alone. Only someone with brain damage would fall for someone who was so arrogant and blunt.

Allen knew it was just his personality, but it pissed him off to no end how badly Kanda treated him as opposed to the other two. Allen was suddenly snapped out of his rant when he heard Kanda say something.

"What?" Allen asked, his cheeks flushed as he realized he had been caught staring.

Kanda let out a long, irritated sighs as he adjusted himself in his seat so he was facing Allen straight on and looked at him. "So why don't you tell me the truth about what happened this morning."

Allen's body felt tense as he looked away quickly, his expression holding disgust. "I already-" Kanda frowned and glared at him. "We know damn well that's not what happened Allen. Tell me the truth."

Allen could feel his anxiety rising in his chest and his guard was up higher than it ever was before.

“Stop talking to me like you know what happened- actually, you do know what happened BECAUSE I TOLD YOU.” Allen snapped as he shook his head, Lavi and Lenalee pausing the game as they turned to look at the two to referee their argument.

“I know you told us a lie, Allen.” Kanda said lowly, Allen’s eyes opening a bit in surprise at Kanda using his first name instead of some stupid nickname for him. “You really call us your friends but you can’t even let us try to help you, it’s pathetic really. How much longer are you going to-”

Kanda was cut off as Allen stood up with enough force to knock over the chair, his hands balled into his fists at his side as he felt angry, hot tears well up in his eyes, distorting his vision as he looked down at the older male.

"I was beat up! I was beat up by two guys I don't even know!" Allen's voice cracked at the end of his statement, not making his lie very believable. The fear of his friends hating him for lying was stronger than the hate he had for himself for allowing himself to continue to be abused.

He thought so many times of telling his friends exactly what was going on with him, why he couldn't dress out from gym or why he flinched away from everyone who moved too fast. He wanted to let them know why he was so emotionally distant, why it was so hard for him to even express affection because it all reminded him of Cross. There were far more negative implications involved than positive if he told them what had been going on with him.

Kanda snapped him back to reality, his voice rising slightly but he didn’t move from his chair.

"Allen, we aren't stupid. What the fuck happened back there?” That was the last of what Allen heard as he quickly gathered his things, looking at the watch that adorned his pale wrist.

“I have to go home. I already told you what happened. I don’t know what idea you have in your head of what happened, but you can drop it. I have told you twice already what happened.” Allen finished as he pushed Lavi, who was saying something to him that he couldn’t quite make out.

As soon as Allen made it onto the street, he ran. He didn’t care what other people thought of him as he ran through the streets with a tear streaked face, his white hair blowing wildly in the wind as he did so. It was November and the air was cold, the air nipping at his nose and cheeks, making them an unattractive shade of pink as he continued to run.

He ran all the way home, his lungs burning as he came to a halt in front of his house and suddenly, he wished he was back at Lavi's. At least there he felt welcomed and he didn't have to tiptoe around the house without having to worry about getting the piss knocked out of him for stepping on the wrong place at the wrong time.

Dread settled in his stomach as he opened up the front door softly, and his stomach dropped as Cross stood in front of him. Suddenly, being roasted by Kanda for answers was a hell of a lot more welcome than the drunk, angry man in front of him.

**_A few hours later at the Bookman household~_ **

Lavi knocked gently on the door of Bookman's study before he entered quietly and closed the door behind him. "Hey Bookman.. can I talk to you for a second?" He asked, almost hesitantly as his hair fell into his face.

Bookman seemed a bit surprised but motioned for Lavi to take a seat in front of him as he adjusted the robe had had on, carefully closing the laptop he had been hunched over for the past few days.

"About Allen.." Lavi started off, his eye flicking from Bookman to the ground, his one emerald eye obviously fighting back tears with all the worry in the world reflected in them.

"You know what's going on with him.. don't you?" He asked quietly, his eye still looking down at the floor, his hand picking at the rips in his jeans mindlessly.

Bookman nodded and the corners of his mouth turned down slightly. "Of course I do, even an idiot would see through his thinly veiled lies, and I know what your next question will be. However, there is nothing we can for someone who isn’t ready to admit their pain.” Bookman started, choosing his words carefully.

“If we were to get a case against Marian Cross, which would be difficult considering his track record of vanishing and taking Allen with him, we would be taking Allen away from everything he knows. You, Kanda, Lenalee, Komui. We would be completely uprooting his life. His trust in people is already fragile, to take away what little he has left would only serve to break him further.”

Lavi's jaw clenched at Bookman’s words but he nodded and stood up, not wanting to give away the anger and anxiety he was feeling. He cared for Allen, of course he did.

Lavi had been in love with Allen for as long as he could remember and he couldn't pretend he didn’t see the bruises on his fucking arms or the way he flinched when Lavi tried to hug him. He had suspected for a long time that something was going with Allen but he was too scared to do anything for fear that he would anger the small, white haired boy.

Lavi walked out, feeling a little more than pissed off. At Allen, at Cross, at his unwillingness to pull Allen out of his comfort zone. He didn’t know what he could do, other than offer Allen a place to stay- which he usually rejected, so he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. He had seen Allen have countless panic attacks about things that seemed so small to everyone else, he had held him at his lowest. How much longer was he going to let this go on?

As Lavi trudged up the stairs to is room, he realized Allen had left his jacket hung up by his bed and he sighed heavily as he grabbed the piece of fabric before sitting down on his bed. He carefully folded the jacket across his lap when he noticed a blood stain on the collar of the jacket, making him feel further defeated.

 _“What the Fuck am I going to do?”_ Lavi thought to himself as he laid down on his bed heavily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually really fun. I loved the concept for this story and I am really happy with the ways I'm changing it. I actually started this story in 2015 (I was still in high school). So my writing has improved a lot since then and this story deserves better! 
> 
> Tumblr: boku-no-hero-todoroki  
> Twitter: httpyoongi_


	4. The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the encounter with Cross, Allen is left bloodied and stumbling through the streets. As he knocked on the door of his close friend, he wondered when he began to think of them as such a comforting presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS!  
> This chapter has mentions of sexual and physical abuse so please don't read if this isn't something you're comfortable with!!

**_"The wounded recognized the wounded."_ **

_"It hurts.."_ Allen's mind chanted over and over again, his vision fading in and out as his consciousness threatened to slip away from him. _"Oh god..It hurts so much.."_ He could feel the blood rushing from his nose, causing a sticky mess to seep over the sides of his face and down his bare chest. He could just faintly make out the sounds of Cross' boots against the wood floors, signaling that he was done.

The floor felt cool underneath his feverish skin. Allen weakly pulled himself up on unsteady legs and made his way to his room, his knees shaking under the weight of his frail body. He wanted nothing more than to curl up and be forgotten, but he knew there was no chance of that happening. The mental strain that was put on him, like a piece of paper trying to hold up a boulder, was something he could handle. The sexual abuse was something that was rare but when it did happen, Allen wanted to crawl out of his skin and burn the remains.

It was now 3:27 in the morning and Allen knew he would have to go to school tomorrow with fresh bruises and a brand new box of excuses. As of recent, he was having to lie to his friends a lot more given that Cross was around a lot more than usual these days. As Allen lay on his bed, his whole body aching with a headache threatening to crack open his skull, he heard the front door open and slam close.

“Cross is leaving…” Allen said aloud to himself as he grabbed his phone, feeling the familiar sting in his eyes as the tears began to fall over the sides of his cheeks. He couldn’t be alone right now, he needed someone to be here with. As Allen struggled to sit u, wincing as every part of his body screamed for the pain to stop, he carefully got dressed in a hoodie and sweats as he stumbled out of the house, pocketing his phone into his hoodie.

As he stumbled down the street, his tears threatening to freeze at the frigid temperature. Lavi was too far away for him to ask for help, and he didn’t want to wake him up. Slowly, he limped up to a familiar house, wiping the blood off the side of his face with a hoodie sleeve as he rang the doorbell, slumping against the wall next to him to give his legs so relief.

There hadn’t been a response for some time and Allen turned his back on the door to stumble back to his hell- or to sleep on the side of the street, when he heard the door open and the low rumble of an obviously tired voice.

“Bean Sprout?” the voice asked in a confused, tired voice. “The fuck are you doing here so late?”

Allen felt his shoulders give way to his sobs as he turned around, looking up at Kanda with tears and blood mixing together as they ran down his small, pale face.

“I need somewhere to stay. I-I’m so sorry for being here so late. I ca-can’t go anywhere else.” Allen managed to choke out, holding himself as though that would keep him from falling to pieces in front of the older man.

Kanda’s expression was hard to read in the dark as he waved for Allen to come in, turning his back on the other as he walked into his house. Allen cautiously walked in, having never been to Kanda’s house before- at least on the inside. As he walked in, Kanda turned on a light in, what he assumed was the kitchen, making his head hurt from the sudden adjustment to light.

As he made his way further into the house, to his right there was a living room with a punching bag and a tv, with worn out black leather furniture pushed up against the wall opposite the tv.

Kanda called to him from the kitchen to sit on the couch while he got him some supplies to clean him up.

 

Allen did as he was told, sitting on the couch and sighing in a bit of relief as the weight was taken off his aching joints. He closed his eyes as he waited for Kanda to come over to him, the tears still falling from between his closed eyelids. Occasionally, Allen would catch himself drifting off to sleep but he was able to keep himself away as Kanda walked over to him, kneeling in front of him as he sat on the couch.

 

“Can I touch you?” Kanda asked as he was getting a rag and dipping it into water.

Allen was a bit surprised by the question as he shifted on the couch so it would be easier for Kanda to reach his face.

“Y-yeah, that’s fine.” Allen said between a hiccup, wiping at his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie.

Kanda just grunted in response as he carefully clipped Allen’s hair out of his face before gently taking his chin in his calloused hand and moving his head to the side so he could start to clean off the blood that had stopped oozing out of the wound in the side of his head. Allen winced slightly when pressure was applied to it and he squeezed his eyes shut.

Kanda’s hands left his face for a moment before they returned and Kanda mumbled something about how this was going to sting. Allen braced himself as Kanda cleaned the wound with hydrogen peroxide, which stung more than just a little bit but Allen didn’t protest as Kanda carefully applied a bandage to the side of his face where there was a minor cut and he finally moved away, putting the supplies back into the kitchen.

Kanda emerged from the kitchen once again, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and his expression was still too hard for Allen to read, not irritated but not the most caring expression in the world.

“There’s a bath running for you behind the door over there.” Kanda jerked his thumb in the direction of a door that was closed with a dim light coming out from the underside of the door.

“The light in there isn’t as bright and you can take as long as you need. You can borrow clothes from me while I wash the ones you’re wearing. Just leave them outside the door once you’re undressed, I already put a change of clothes in the bathroom.” Kanda finished as he turned his back to Allen, starting to make his way up the steep set of stairs into the dark hallway above.

“Wait” Allen said weakly as he stood up, wiping his eyes carefully as Kanda turned around to look at him. “Aren’t you going to ask what happened…?” he asked quietly as he watched the older man’s expression.

“If you wanted to tell me, you would have told me by now bean sprout. Go take a fucking bath already.” was all he said as he turned around and disappeared into the dark hallway of the second floor.

Allen could feel new tears spring to his eyes as he made his way into the dimly lit bathroom and he began to get undressed for his bath.

 

-x-

 

After soaking in the tub for awhile and cleaning the blood and sweat off of himself, Allen finally made his reappearance into the living room. He was wearing a navy blue hoodie of Kanda’s that said “Mugen” on the front and a pair of sweats that were much bigger than him in every way but there was a drawstring on it that helped it stay up on his slim waist.

 

As he quietly re-emerged from the bathroom, he walked in on Kanda with his hair down, putting a blanket and pillows on the couch with a small fan sitting on his coffee table that faced the pillows. Allen walked up next to Kanda as he finished setting up the nest of blankets and carefully sat down on the edge of the couch.

 

“Thank you for giving me a place to stay tonight, Kanda.” Allen said quietly, looking down at his lap as he played with the drawstrings on his sweatpants.

 

Kanda sighed as he sat next to Allen, taking off his house slippers. “This is where I’m sleeping tonight. You’re sleeping upstairs in the bed, short shit.” he said as he laid down, placing his arm over his eyes as he did so.

 

Allen made a small noise as he stood up, shaking his head, but only slightly due to the pain that still wracked his brain. “I couldn’t force you out of your own bed, it’s rude since I’m your guest.” he protested as he waited for Kanda to look at him again.

 

“I know that wound on your head must hurt, just take your ass upstairs and sleep in my bed. It’s not that big of a deal for me to sleep here. It’s the first door you see when you get up the stairs.”  and with that, Kanda turned on his side and pulled the covers over his head.

 

Allen sighed internally as he watched the blanket rise and fall as he turned the fan on before taking himself upstairs to Kanda’s room. As he walked through the door, he took in the sight in the dim room. The bed was big with a black comforter and black pillows at the head of the bed. The room was picked up for the most part, save for one or two shirts on the floor near his hamper which Allen put in the hamper for him before he turned the lights off and carefully sat on the bed, which was extremely soft.

 

He pulled the comforter over himself and slowly relaxed into the bed, his eyes feeling heavy as he breathed in the scent around him- surrounded by Kanda’s somehow comforting scent of his cologne and his natural scent that was surprisingly sweet. As he pressed his face against the pillow, he allowed himself to drift off into a comfortable sleep.

 

-x-

 

The next morning, Allen was woken up by the smell of food being made downstairs and suddenly he realized he was starving. He had only managed to eat once yesterday and he had puked it up the a few hours before he had made it to Kanda’s home. As he got out of bed, he stretched, his bruises having settled and he was feeling a lot more sore today than he had yesterday.

 

Allen groaned slightly as he made his way downstairs, rubbing at his eye as he rounded the corner into the kitchen and he was met with the sight of Kanda cooking, his hair unbound as it had been yesterday and he felt the very beginnings of butterflies in his stomach as he leaned against the door frame.

 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer shorty.” Kanda said as he began to divide the food onto two plates, not looking back at Allen.

 

Allen blushed as he made his way over to the dinner table, shaking his head as he sat down. “I’m going to let that one slide since you made me breakfast.”

 

“And gave you a place to stay for the night.” Kanda replied, placing a plate almost overflowing with pancakes, eggs, sausage and bacon, Kanda setting a large glass of water next to him with small white pills that he assumed were painkillers.

 

Allen grunted in response as he took the pills and drank some of the water, looking up at Kanda who had his box of medical supplies again so Allen refrained from eating until he was done checking him over again. Kanda once again took his chin into his hand as he carefully changed the bandaged that adorned the right side of his face. After applying ointment to it and checking over various other bruises that adorned his body, he stood up.

 

“Now eat.” Kanda said as he walked into the kitchen to put the box of medical supplies away. Allen sheepishly thanked him for the food as he began to eat, Kanda joining him shortly after with a bowl of fruit and a bottle of water. Allen looked at him curiously, motioning to his food.

 

“Why aren’t you having any of this food?”

 

Kanda shook his head and smirked at him as he took a bite of a diced apple. “Because my body doesn’t absorb food like yours does short shit. If I ate food like that every day, I wouldn’t have any energy to work out.”

 

Allen couldn’t help but laugh at the statement as he continued to his eat his fat inducing food happily, he felt as though the events of the other day were long gone. He knew he would have to go back to that house eventually but for this small moment, he was eating breakfast in a safe, warm environment.

 

At that moment, Kanda’s phone went off and he took it out of his pocket lazily, looking over the contents of the message he was sent. Allen was watching Kanda’s face carefully, admiring his features as his brow furrowed the more he read. His jaw was strong and his slender eyebrows somehow complimented his mono lids. Allen sucked in a sharp breath as he realized he was swooning over the man in front of him.

 

He wasn’t sure what it was, considering yesterday he had pissed Allen off so badly, he ran home in tears. It could be how gentle and caring Kanda had been with him when he showed up at his door at three in the morning, he hadn’t even realized Kanda knew how to be gentle considering his personality was so brash and cold towards other people. It made Allen think that maybe he had, had struggles of his own that he hadn’t shared with anyone else.

 

Kanda looked up from his phone as he set it down on the table, in plain sight of Allen.

 

“That stupid fucking rabbit went to your place this morning and is completely fucking spazzing out because he doesn’t know where you are.” Kanda started as he shook his head. “I can either tell him what happened or I can tell him that I have no fucking clue where you are.” He finished, watching Allen’s expression closely.

 

Allen sighed as he picked at the last of his eggs, a large majority of his food gone from him inhaling it as quickly as he always does. “Can you just tell him… you don’t know where I am? I don’t want anyone to know about this honestly.” Allen replied, looking up at Kanda as he did so.

  
“N-not to say that I’ll forget your kindness or anything but I mean- I am just too tired of explaining myself and all he’ll do is worry-” Allen’s rambling was cut off as Kanda interjected.

 

“Enough with the life story bean sprout, I won’t tell the stupid fucking rabbit where you are.” He said as he started to text Lavi back. “But your stupid ass shouldn’t go to school today. Just ice your face. You can stay here again if you want but I’m going to school.”

 

Kanda got up from the table and put his dishes in the sink as he turned towards the stairs, taking two at a time as he jogged up the stairs to get ready for school. Allen did the same, taking to doing the dishes as he allowed himself to get lost in thought, something he did often these days. He sighed as he finished, laying the damp plates and pans on a drying rack and grabbing an ice pack before he made his way up the stairs.

 

Kanda emerged from his room in a black shirt with jeans, his usual black boots accompanying the look as he stopped in front of Allen, looking down at the smaller male.

  
“Try not to break anything while I’m gone, I know i’m not here to babysit but you should still behave yourself.” Kanda said with a smirk as he slipped past Allen, their shoulders brushing as he did so.

 

“I’m not a kid Bakanda, but thanks for the reminder I guess.” he shot back as he made his way back into the bedroom, feeling more tired now than he had before as he laid his head down on the soft pillows.

 

His eyes felt heavy as he closed them, letting the scent of Kanda’s cologne lull him to sleep.

 

-x-

 

Allen was awake and dressed, his hair combed and out of his face by the time Kanda came home from school, he was waiting on the couch for him to get home. Although Allen still wasn’t sure how to feel about Kanda overall, other than the fact that he was undoubtedly attractive, he was grateful to have him as a friend in this instance.

 

Kanda walked through the door and Allen stood up, having cleaned up his apartment while he was away. Kanda set his book bag down by the door and looked up at Allen as he made his way into the kitchen.

 

“You leaving?” Kanda asked as he got himself an apple, biting into it loudly as he leaned against a counter.

 

“Yeah, I am.” Allen answered as he gave Kanda a weak smile. “I’ll try not to do this again, and I’m really sorry about showing up at such a late time last night.” he finished as he rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from the taller man.

 

“Don’t say sorry you fuck, just show up whenever you need to. I really don’t care.” Kanda said as he started to make his way upstairs, lazily waving over his shoulder as he did so. “I’m taking a nap, shut the door on the way out.” he said as Allen heard his bedroom door close.

 

With that, Allen left a slip of paper on the counter with his number and left the comfort and warmth of the home so he could apologize to Lavi for disappearing, despite Allen not asking him to show up at his door this morning- something he had asked him not to do in the past.

 

-x-

 

Lavi sat across from Allen at a local cafe, his leg bouncing wildly under the table as Allen explained that the wounds he had gotten from the other day had caught up with him, causing him to stay home this morning and sleep through Lavi knocking on his door.

 

“Although, Lavi” Allen started, staring at the cup of coffee in his hands “I have asked you before not to coming knocking at my door so early in the morning. That rule still stands… Cross works weird hours and I don’t want to deal with him nagging me about being woken up.”

 

“Well what did you want me to do, Allen?” Lavi asked, clearly irritated and still anxious from Allen’s sudden absence. “You stormed out of my house yesterday and then you didn’t answer any of my texts or calls this morning. I was worried.” he said as he made eye contact with dull silver eyes.

 

“Still…” Allen said as he quickly moved his gaze away from Lavi’s. “From now on, just trust that I’m okay.” he said as he nodded to himself, taking another sip of his coffee as he finished his statement.

Lavi sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, looking frustrated as he looked over Allen’s features carefully. “Allen, I really care about you, you know that right?” his voice was barely above a whisper as he uncrossed his arms, leaning forward slightly as he did so.

Allen nodded as he smiled at Lavi, making eye contact with him again. “Of course I do Lavi, I care about you a lot too.” he stated, not catching Lavi’s intentions as he answered.

“Allen, I mean that I really care about you. You’re someone really important in my life and you actually drive me crazy the more I think about you but it’s in a good way. I want to keep thinking about you and being around you because it’s such a good feeling.” Lavi said as he carefully placed his hand over Allen’s the smaller boys eyes widening as he began to understand what Lavi was saying. “I want to be there for you, in a way no one else can be. Please, Allen, let me protect you as your boyfriend.”

Allen sat there in silence as he looked over the redheads face, knowing that he was completely serious about the two of them dating, but knowing that nothing good will come of the two of them dating. After all, Allen ruined almost everything he touched- everything that was important to him would eventually meet a gruesome end.

“Lavi” Allen said quietly “you don’t want to date someone as broken as me. I don’t do anything but cause problems and I end up relying too heavily on those around to me to clean up my own mess. I-I’m really not good at all.” Allen finished as he looked down at their intertwined fingers.

“Allen, that’s not true, and I really want to help you see that. You hardly rely on anyone and that’s why we’re so quick to jump on your ass when you’re not taking care of yourself- because you don’t let us help you when you need it most.” Lavi smiled at him, his expression beaming as though he was proud as he thought of Allen.

“If I could be surrounded by you for days- weeks at a time, I would consider myself to be the luckiest man of all time.” Lavi said as he squeezes his hand and Allen could feel the tears coming. Not knowing if this was something he actually wanted or if he just wasn’t used to being cared for in such a way. “I won’t pressure you into anything you’re not ready for, but please consider it.” Lavi finished as he carefully pulled his hand away from Allen’s motioning for him to follow him as he stood up.

“Anyways, Lenalady is probably waiting for us so we should go.” Allen nodded as he followed in his footsteps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, Kanda and Allen sitting in a tree, being adorably awkward with each other because Kanda can be nice sometimes, despite him being rough around the edges about it.


	5. Reality Check

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen misses school but meets up with his friends for a meal at Lenalee's house. Somehow, a snowball fight ensues and Allen starts to see a bit more eye to eye with the perpetually grumpy Kanda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER:   
> The end of this chapter will have violence and a lot of homophobic language. Please don't read if you're not comfortable with that.

**“I have not yet begun to fight.”**

 

After Lavi and Allen had left the coffee shop, they met up with Lenalee and Kanda at her house. Komui was making dinner for everyone in the kitchen as they stepped through the door. Allen and Lavi carefully took off their shoes at the door, smiling at Lenalee as she got off the couch to greet them, practically hurling herself at Allen as he stood up. 

**“** I missed you at school today!” Lenalee exclaimed as she held him close, a worried tone in her voice. “Where were you? Lavi and Kanda said they hadn’t heard from you since yesterday afternoon.” 

Allen smiled as he hugged her back, allowing the question to linger a little longer in the air as he carefully pat her back before pulling away from her and sitting down on the red, plush couch. As Allen went to speak, a familiar voice spoke up from behind him, the annoyance was as evident as it always had been.

“The bean sprout was probably just playing hooky, wouldn’t surprise me with how much he’s been bitching about his school project.” Kanda said as he walked around the couch and sat on the opposite side of Allen, crossing his legs as he did so. 

Kanda was wearing black skinny jeans with a white button up shirt that had the sleeves rolled up to the elbow, the chains on the side of his pants making a small noise as he crossed his legs and he could admit that he looked good. Allen could feel an unfamiliar feeling in his chest as he looked at the other male, his hair swept over his shoulder. Allen shook his head mentally, ignoring the feeling as he turned his attention back to Lenalee who was still looking at him.

Allen played along with his interjection, looking up at Lenalee as he did so. “As much as I hate to admit that Bakanda is right, I just didn’t have the energy to go to school today.” Allen said as innocently as possible, a smile playing across his features as he did so. “I needed the long weekend to get my project finished.” 

Lenalee eyed him suspiciously as she fixed her sweater and pulled her forest green hair into a neat ponytail. “If you say so.” she said with a shrug, laying her head in Allen’s lap as she waited for Komui to finish dinner. 

As he looked across the room, Kanda smirked at him, causing Allen to stick his tongue out in response as he rolled his eyes, feeling slightly irritated at how smug Kanda was. That wasn’t unusual for him but he couldn’t feel irritated with him considering he had helped him so much the other day. As Allen went to look away, he saw Kanda flip him off, looking even more smug than he had before. Allen elected to ignore him as he started to play with Lenalee’s hair instead. 

Normally, if Komui saw Lenalee doing this with a boy, he would have definitely killed him- or at least would try his best to. However, Allen had come out to his friends and their parents gay about a year ago. He had always been attracted to males, not ever really considering females to be attractive. Sure he could point out when a girl was cute or had a good fashion sense, but overall- he could never picture himself dating and eventually marrying a female. 

Allen remembered his first crush was on a boy named Krory when they were going into their first year of middle school. By that point, Allen’s Japanese had improved a lot through the help of Cross and Komui, who had perfected the language in no time flat. Every time he would get near him, his heart would practically beat out of his chest and his palms were constantly sweaty (it didn’t help that he wore gloves constantly at that point in time.) Though, nothing ever came of his crush.

Krory had admitted to Allen that he was straight, and although he did appreciate Allen confessing his feelings, he wasn’t interested in being his boyfriend. It seemed harsh at first, but Allen knew it could have been so much worse. Not long after that, Krory moved to a different part of Japan and Allen had never really bothered to search for him as he had gotten older. After a brief stage of not knowing what his feelings for girls were, in the romantic aspect, he had quickly realized he was gay when a girl by the name of Road kissed him his first year of high school. He hadn’t felt anything, other than overwhelming shock that a stranger had been so openly physical with him.

As Allen reminisced over times that had come and gone, he hadn’t realized he had been staring off into space- and by space he meant Kanda- until he was snapped out of his musing by the older man’s irritated voice cutting into his thoughts.

 

“Like I said, take a picture, it’ll last longer you short shit.” Kanda said with a smirk, now sitting forward with his hands clasped in his lap.

 

Allen shook his head as his eyes narrowed at Kanda, feeling flustered that this was indeed the second time he had been caught staring at  him. Although, this time he hadn’t realized he has been until Kanda pointed it out. 

 

“The only way I would take a photo of you is if I was either being paid or I needed a quick, painless way to break my camera.” Allen said as he frowned, turning his attention to playing with Lenalee’s ponytail, earning a smile from her as she looked over at Kanda. 

 

Lavi spoke up from his place on the couch, looking confused as he looked between Allen and Kanda. “What do you mean ‘like I said’?” Lavi asked quietly. 

 

Before either of them could get the chance to respond, Komui called from the kitchen to tell everyone that dinner was done, leaving the question unanswered as everyone moved to join Komui in the dining room. Komui was already setting up the table when they all shuffled in, sitting around the small table. 

This was something that was normal for them, sharing a table at Komui’s house. Since Lenalee didn’t remember her parents and Komui had been her guardian since he was old enough to take custody of her, they liked the feeling of a full house since it was only the two of them. Lenalee and Komui had moved to Japan after Komui took guardianship over her, due to the opportunities in education that he had been offered, hence why they now lived here and he was the principal at their school. 

As Allen thanked Komui and began to eat the sweet and sour pork he had made, when he realized he didn’t know much about Kanda’s background and family life. He lived by himself, which was apparent from the one room apartment he lived in, and he never spoke of family or legal guardians alike. Allen almost felt guilty for not knowing much about him, despite their growing up together, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel it for too long since Kanda probably wouldn’t tell him anything, even if he asked. Allen sighed into a mouthful of food as he continued to eat. 

Komui smiled at him as he began to speak. Komui had always been a bit more gentle with Allen then the other two which he appreciated. Komui could be overbearing at times, despite his best intentions, and it could be too much for Allen to process all at once from time to time. 

 

“You know Allen,” Komui started as he put more salad on his own plate “I know someone who could teach you self-defense. He does it for a living so i’m sure he wouldn’t mind teaching you. I think it could be beneficial for you.” he finished as he glanced at Allen, who looked deep in thought.

 

“Who is he?” Allen asked around a mouth full of food, carefully wiping the corners of his mouth a napkin as he swallowed, unsure of how much he trusted a man who trained to  _ actually _ fight other people.

 

Komui smiled as he leaned back in his chair, fixing his jacket as he did so. “I’ve known this man for longer than Lenalee has been alive. He taught me self defense when I was young but he’s a gentle giant. His name is Froi Tideoll.” 

 

As Komui said this, there was a loud thud at the other end of the table, everyone’s attention being immediately drawn to it. Kanda’s chair had been knocked over and his palms laid flat on the table as he stood over his plate. Everyone was shocked, unsure what to say as Kanda’s expression contorted into anger as he walked away from the table, the slam of the front door signaling his departure from the house.

 

Komui cleared his throat as he got up, picking up the chair and carrying Kanda’s plate to the sink as he shook his head. “It's been awhile since we saw him like that, now hasn’t it?” Komui asked himself quietly as he continued to clean.

Without much thought, Allen grabbed his coat and walked into the bathroom as he stuffed three hot packs into his hoodie pockets before returning to the entrance way to put his boots on, Lavi leaning on the wall behind him as he watched Allen get ready. 

 

“You know going after him will only piss him off more, right?” Lavi asked as he looked out the window. “And it’s not like you to go chasing off after him when he’s like this.” Allen just shrugged as he stood up, slipping his jacket on over his hoodie as he turned back to look at Lavi. 

 

“Everyone needs someone to lean on, right?” Allen asked, echoing words Lavi had said to him so many times as he walked outside, snow crunching under his boots as he made his way to the icy curb, following the footprints he saw in the snow. 

 

As Allen walked, it began to snow again, the small snowflakes falling delicately over him as he slipped his hood on over his head, smiling as he watched his breath come out in puffs in the winter air. Allen looked up to see himself nearing a park, the footsteps leading him straight to a jungle gym. Again, Allen felt himself smiling as he made his way to the jungle gym, wondering what made Kanda so mad that he stormed out during dinner. 

As he stood in front of the jungle gym, he called out for Kanda, frowning when he didn’t get a response from the older man. Allen sighed as he climbed up on a snowy ladder, carefully planting his feet on the ground as he stood on the metal platform below him. Allen kneeled down to go through the plastic tunnel, shaking his head as he thought of how childish he must look as he came out on the other side, almost bumping into Kanda’s back. 

Kanda was sitting underneath the top of the jungle gym, no snow covering the area as it was covered by a small umbrella like canopy. He had his legs folded under him, his hands in his armpit and his nose and cheeks were pink from the cold. He hadn’t grabbed his jacket so all he had was a thin button up shirt. 

Allen quietly maneuvered around Kanda, being careful  not to touch or bump into him as he quietly slipped off his button up jacket, holding it out to Kanda, who was scowling at him wordlessly. 

 

“It’s okay if you take my jacket, I have a shirt on under this hoodie so I’m warm enough.” Allen said as he offered him a half smile, which was met with a click of the tongue from the older boy.    


  
“Tch, did I fucking ask for your help?” Kanda snapped as he looked away, not taking the jacket as he shook his head. “Just go back to Lenalee’s, I’ll go home when I fucking feel like it.” he finished, irritation written on his face as the corners of his mouth turned down. 

 

“I’ll leave if you take the jacket, jackass.” Allen said stubbornly, his arm still holding out the jacket to Kanda. At this point, Kanda was starting to shiver, if only slightly, but Allen could see it from where he was sitting in front of him. 

 

Eventually, with a slight tug, Kanda took the jacket out of his hands before slipping it on and zipping it up. He quickly pulled the hood over his head, sticking his hands in the pockets after adjusting the hood so it partially hid his face. Allen tried not to look smug as he took the hot packs out of his hoodie pocket and handed him two of them, one for each pocket.

 

“Here, these’ll keep your hands warm.” Allen said as he put them on Kanda’s lap. With a grunt, Kanda took both of them into his hands and put them back in his pocket as he looked up at Allen with another irritated look.

 

“What are you, my mother?” he asked as he leaned his back against the bars of the jungle gym. “And why the fuck did you come out here? You’ll freeze to death before I do.” Kanda offered, helpful as always. Allen rolled his eyes as he put his hands in his hoodie pocket, holding the hot pack between his hands.

  
“I appreciate your worry as always.” Allen said sarcastically as he turned his attention back to Kanda. “It’s just not like you to storm out like that without a reason. I’m just trying to repay the favor.” Allen replied as he shrugged, resting his back on the top of a blue slide.

 

“Aren’t you going to ask what happened? That’s why you came out here for.” Kanda retorted, his shoulders slumping slightly in favor of looking down at his lap, trying to conserve as much warmth as possible. 

 

“If you wanted to talk about it,” Allen started “you would have already told me.” he said with a slight smile as he remembered the conversation he had, had with the older man the other night, appreciating the space and privacy he had given him- despite Allen intruding on his personal space. 

 

Kanda shook his head as he sighed, a puff of white air escaping his lips as he did so. “I know the guy Komui was talking about.” Kanda started as he sniffed, his nose running slightly from the cold air. “I used to live with him, haven’t spoken to him in about a year or so now though.” Kanda finished with a shrug as he looked up at Allen, his expression hard to read. 

 

“So, did you two have a falling out or something?” Allen asked, not sure if it was okay to pry further into the issue. “Your reaction to hearing about him was pretty volatile.” he offered as he sat up slightly, keeping a close eye on Kanda’s body language in case he really was overstepping his boundaries. 

 

Kanda frowned, his eyebrows knitted together in irritation as he glanced over at Allen. “He’s an overbearing fuck and I couldn’t stand to suffocate under his obnoxious bullshit anymore.” Kanda’s voice had raised slightly and Allen tried not to flinch as Kanda continued. “And fuck Komui for trying to make it seem like he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.” he finished as he shook his head, his lips almost forming a snarl as he looked away.

 

Allen nodded as he listened to Kanda’s story, not being able to piece too much of his story together, but he was starting to see the picture he was painting. “I don’t think Komui meant anything by it, he seemed more surprised than any of us when you left.” Allen said as he ran a hand through his hair. 

 

“Though, I know how it feels when someone brings up a sore spot, especially when it catches you off guard. So, I don’t really think your reaction was out of line.” Allen sighed as he looked over at Kanda, frowning as he saw the expression on the other mans face.

 

Allen got up and carefully grabbed Kanda’s arm, tugging on it, which got an irritated noise out of Kanda as he pulled his arm out of Allen’s grip. 

 

“The fuck are you doing?” Kanda snapped as he looked up at him.

 

“Kidnapping you.” Allen replied sarcastically as he pointed towards the slide. “Go down the slide you kill joy. We’re getting out of here.” he said with an amused expression, Kanda eyeing the slide curiously. 

 

“Why don’t we just take the fucking ladder like-” 

 

Allen groaned as he sat at the top of the slide, looking back at him as he started to slide down. “Enough questions, either join me or not buzz kill, up to you.” He said as he went down the slide, allowing himself a small laugh as the snow at the bottom of the slide collected between his legs. 

 

As he got off the slide, brushing the snow off of him, he heard a thud behind him, causing him to turn around. Kanda was going down the slide, his arms crossed as he made his way down the winding slide. Allen tried to hold in his laughter but failed miserably as he observed the unamused expression on Kanda’s features. 

 

“That is the unhappiest I have ever seen anyone going down a slide.” Allen remarked as he turned around, starting to form a snowball between his palms, a devious smile adorning his otherwise innocent face. 

 

“Whatever the fuck you say, shortie. Where the fuck did you want to go?” Kanda asked as he walked up behind Allen. As he reached Allen, something solid hit his chest as the other boy turned around, catching him off guard. 

 

“What the fu-” Kanda said as he looked down, snow covering his chest. It finally dawned on him that this- this little  _ shit _ threw a snowball at him. Allen laughed maniacally as he ran away from Kanda, starting to form another snowball in his hands as Kanda did the same.

 

“You’re fucked.” Kanda said as he started to chase Allen with a snowball in hand, much larger than the one Allen had thrown at him. 

 

As Allen ran, the snowball hit his back, some of it managing to get inside his hoodie, causing him to yelp as it melted against his skin. 

 

And just like that, the snowball fight was on. 

  
  


-x-

 

After the snowball fight, Allen’s hoodie had been soaked through from all the melted snow and Kanda’s hair was wet from the amount of snow that had managed to land in his hair from the sky and from Allen’s headshots. 

 

Both of them sat on swings, panting from the running they had done as they tried to catch their breath.

 

Allen laughed slightly before coughing as he looked at Kanda, who was trying to shake the snow from the jacket he was lending from Allen. “Truce?” Allen suggested as he stuck his hand out to Kanda. 

 

Kanda smirked as looked at Allen, shaking his head. “Only if you admit I kicked your ass.” Kanda said as he waited for the other to respond. 

 

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Allen said as Kanda shook his hand, signaling the end to their snowball fight. 

 

Allen stood up and shivered slightly as he look up at the sky, trying to keep the soaked fabric from touching his skin. “We should probably get home, it doesn’t look like it’s going to stop anytime soon.” He said, sneezing into his elbow as he turned to Kanda.

 

Kanda nodded as he got up, starting to walk in the direction of their neighborhood. Neither of them said much as they continued to walk, the snow coming down a bit harder than it had before. Allen was trying not to think of how cold he was as they walked, his teeth beginning to chatter as they made their way down Kanda’s street.

 

As Allen turned to say goodbye to Kanda so he could go back to his house, Kanda unlocked his door as motioned for him to come inside. “I’ll give you a hoodie to borrow. You also left your clothes here from last night, dumbass.” he said as he disappeared into his house.

 

Allen felt a bit flustered as he made his way inside, slipping his shoes off at the door. His jeans were soaked and so was the shirt that was under his hoodie. Allen sneezed again as he made his way into the house, standing by the kitchen table but not sitting so he wouldn’t get anything wet.

 

Allen heard a door open and Kanda came around the corner shirtless as he dried his hair with one hand, handing Allen his clothes from the other day with his other hand, a towel on top of it. “I’m going to get you a hoodie. You can use the bathroom to change.” was all he said as he turned away, making his way up the steep stairs.

 

Allen could feel his face burning, which he knew wasn’t from the cold, as he made his way into the bathroom and began to dry himself off and change. Allen had never realized Kanda had a tattoo on his chest, or that he was so toned. As he looked in the mirror, he could see his cheeks turning a deep shade of red that ran to his ears and he quickly looked away, making quick work of drying and fixing his hair. 

 

_ “He isn’t attractive, Allen Walker.” _ he thought to himself as he shook his head, sighing as he pulled his clothes on from the other day when there was a knock on the door.

 

“There’s a hoodie on the counter when you’re done taking a shit in there.” Kanda said as he walked away from the door and Allen could feel his face begin to heat up again as he walked out of the bathroom, putting the large, warm hoodie on that Kanda had left for him. 

 

The hoodie was a light gray with Japanese writing across the chest of the hoodie, something Allen couldn’t read but he felt comfortable as he walked into the living room.

 

“I wasn’t taking a shit, by the Bakanda. I was drying off.” Allen said with a pout as he sat next to Kanda on the couch, who was scrolling through his phone, Kanda was wearing a hoodie similar to the one Allen was wearing but it was black with white writing across the chest. 

 

“If that’s what you call taking a shit.” was all Kanda said as he lazily held his cheek in his hand, leaning against the arm of the couch, continuing to scroll through his phone.

 

Allen rolled his eyes as he poked Kanda’s chest, getting the older man to scowl at him as he leaned back against the couch with a satisfied look. 

 

“What does the hoodie say?” Allen asked curiously. “I still haven’t gotten the hang of reading Kanji.” Allen admitted as he nuzzled into the hoodie further, pulling the strings as he watched the older boy. 

 

Kanda snorted and looked amused by his question. “You’ve lived here how long and you don’t how to read basic Kanji?” before Allen could reply, Kanda started to speak again,shoving his phone into his back pocket. “It says ‘I’m much more me when I’m with you.’ It’s a quote from a band that you probably don’t know about because you live under a rock.” 

 

Allen was a bit surprised at the meaning of the quote but he also had to remind himself that he barely knew anything about Kanda. For all he knew, he wrote poetry in his spare time and pet puppies instead of kicking them.

 

“Since you asked me about the Japanese, I get to ask you a question.” Kanda said as he got up to walk to the kitchen, looking back at Allen as he did so. Allen could feel his anxiety start to flare up, not sure what question Kanda was going to try and corner him with. Allen felt his mouth go dry as he watched Kanda open the fridge. 

 

“What’s with the arm?” Kanda asked as he grabbed two bottles of water, closing the fridge with his foot as he crossed the room again, handing Allen one of the bottles.

 

Allen could have almost laughed at himself as he took the bottle and rolled it between his palms, looking down his arm that was bright red with a rough texture and black nails that never seemed to grow, no matter how much he wished they would. 

 

Allen sighed as he stretched, looking over his hand. “It’s always been like this, Mana always told me to just think of it like a birthmark, even though it looks more like I’ve been burned.” Allen shrugged as he looked up at Kanda, who was looking at his hand curiously. 

 

“Who is Mana? Never heard you mention that name before.” Kanda said as he took a drink of his water, returning to his original slouched position as he did so, a curious expression settled over his features as he waited for Allen to answer.

 

“Ah, I thought I might have before but I guess not.” Allen said with an awkward laugh. “He was my adoptive father before he passed away. I used to live in England, which is why I didn’t speak Japanese when I was younger, but I traveled a lot with Mana in Japan because it was one of his favorite countries.

 

When he died, he was buried here since they didn’t have an address to send him back to England and that’s probably what he would have wanted anyways. Shortly after he died, Cross found me, since he and Mana were friends. Since then, I’ve been living with him.” Allen finished, taking a moment to calm himself before he took a drink of water, breathing out slowly as he did so.

 

Kanda listened as he spoke, nodding as he did so before he sighed, running a hand down his face. “Tiedoll adopted me when I was young, I don’t really remember anything but he’s already told me the story so many time. Not like I fucking care what a piece of paper says, but he tries to act like my dad.” he said shaking his head. 

 

Allen smiled as he watched Kanda shift awkwardly, signaling to him that Kanda wasn’t all that comfortable with talking about himself or his feelings, which he could have guessed at any point in their strained relationship. Allen checked his phone as the room descended into a comfortable silence, neither of them saying anything to one another as they looked through their phones when Allen got a text message from Lavi.

  
  


**From: Lavi**

**At: 7:29PM 2018**

**Did you manage to catch up with Kanda? I texted him but he hasn’t responded. Just let me know what’s up Al.**

 

Allen let out a small laugh as he looked across the couch to Kanda, who was still going through his phone.

 

“You left Lavi on read, Bakanda?” Allen asked as he sat up, running his hands through his hair as he did so. 

 

“Fucking rabbit asking questions that have nothing to do with what happened. I’m not answering that asshole.” Kanda muttered to himself as he let out a yawn.

 

“Do you want me to tell Lavi I found you before I go home?” Allen asked as he looked at the clock again, deciding that this was probably a good time to go home, especially since Kanda seemed tired.

 

“I don’t fucking care.” Kanda responded as he got up, his eyes looking a bit more tired than they had earlier. Allen nodded as he sent a quick text to Lavi, assuring him that everything was fine as got up and headed for the door. 

 

“Now it’s my turn to tell you to go the fuck to sleep.” Allen said sounding amused as he mocked the older boy, which was then met with a middle finger from Kanda who was in the process of turning off all the lights in the house. Allen waved as he walked out, closing the door behind him carefully as he quickly made his way down the street, anxious to get out of the cold.

As Allen pulled the hoodie strings tighter, pulling the hood over his head as he looked at the snowy ground,he thought about how much his attitude towards Kanda had changed in just a matter of twenty four hours. Although Kanda could be a bit awkward, not really minding the abrasive part of his personality, Kanda could be nice in his own way. Allen glanced at the lettering on his hoodie, pronouncing the Kanji the same way Kanda had, with a smile. Of course, Kanda was always going to be smug and they would still fight from time to time, Allen was starting to see a bit more of Kanda’s personality and that was enough for him to want to get closer to the older boy. 

As he neared his house, he sighed, slowing his pace so he wouldn’t arrive as quickly, his boots dragging the ground. Cross had left after the last altercation and Allen wasn’t entirely sure if Cross was going to be at the house again, but for some reason, he felt hopeful that Cross wouldn’t be there. Allen took a moment to stop and look back in the direction he had just came from, wondering if Kanda was going to sleep, or if he should have asked to stay. With a calming breath, he finished his walk home, wiping at his nose as he trudged forward.

He quietly climbed the steps to his house, opening the door and closing it behind him as he shook off what little snow had managed to stick to him on his walk home. As he took off his shoes, he heard the sound of glass shattering before Cross’ silhouette made an appearance from the doorway of his bedroom. Allen froze in place, hoping that if he didn’t move, Cross wouldn’t be able to see him in the dark. 

Cross stumbled forward, a bottle of liquor in his hand as he slowly made his way to Allen on unsteady feet. “Fuck’re you doin, lazy piece of shit.” Cross slurred as Allen made eye contact with him, his shoulders slumping as he realized he had been caught. He wasn’t sure what he expected. Even if he had managed to make it upstairs, if Cross was in a really bad mood, he would find him no matter where he was in the house so he could kick the shit out of him.

 

“I was hanging out with Lavi and Lenalee again.” Allen said, his voice cracking as he looked down, his breathing labored as he fought the anxiety, trying not to regret his decision of leaving Kanda’s home.

 

“Fuckin faggots, all of ‘em.” Cross spit as he stood in front of Allen, looking like a giant standing next to a shaking chihuahua. “N’you, you’re the worst of ‘em. Fucking disgusting.” Cross finished this statement by backhanding Allen hard enough to throw him off balance, clutching his cheek as he fell to the floor. 

 

Cross didn’t stop as he grabbed him by his hair, jerking him up so that he could get into his face, his breath reeking of alcohol and too many cigarettes. As Allen was jerked to his feet, hot tears stung his eyes as he peered into unfocused red eyes, a hate blazing inside of them that was reserved solely for him. Allen could feel himself shaking as he struggled to keep his composure. Just as Allen was about to push away, Cross punched him in the stomach, causing him to double over in pain before a crushing blow was dealt to his nose, the blood was almost immediate. 

 

Allen was reduced to choked sobs as he struggled not to choke on his own blood, the taste of copper coating the back of his throat as it slowly dripped down his throat. With a hand still in Allen’s hair, Cross threw his frail body against the door as he let go of his hair, the force was enough to cause a dent in their cheap, metal door. Allen had his eyes closed now, his forehead pressed to the floor as he struggled to catch his breath, waiting for Cross to be done with him. He found himself praying to god,something he hadn’t done since Mana had died, that this would all end soon.

 

“I let you into my house and all you do is disappoint me. Mana should still be here, but instead I have you. Dirty fucking faggot.” Cross spit on him as he grabbed him by his hood, dragging him into the kitchen as he the hoodie threatened to choke him. As he clawed at the floor, Cross suddenly stopped dragging him and Allen was met with a blow to the head that knocked him completely out. The pain in his head exploding before he was hurled into complete darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Allen but reading my work- you'd think I hate him. What else do we have in store? Find out next time ^^
> 
> As always, don't be afraid to reach out! Your feedback means a lot.  
> Tumblr: boku-no-hero-todoroki  
> Instagram: lavithewinner


	6. Shattered Illusions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Allen wakes up in a pain filled daze, he can't bring himself to deal with the darkness that consumed every part of his being. He decides to change his fate for what he believes to be the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:   
> Self harm, suicide, death. If you're not okay with any of those things, please don't read. This is a very dark chapter.

Allen woke up in his bedroom, his head was throbbing as he attempted to sit up, dried blood flaking off of his face as he run a hand down his face roughly. Although it was dark outside, his vision blurred as he looked out the window to the stars, the edges of his vision becoming more clear as he began to blink. He couldn’t remember how he got here, but the blood on his clothing and the pain of his head told him he was probably drug up the stairs by his hair. As he recounted the painful encounter with Cross, he hoisted himself up onto unsteady legs, all of his bones seeming to pop as he did so.

 

He could feel the burn in his throat from tears threatening to spill over his pale cheeks as he took in the sight of his room. Cross had trashed it, what little he had in his room was either broken or strung around his room like a tornado hit it and all the pictures of his friends were gone from his wall. As Allen limped closer to his bed, he realized the pictures had been shredded and discarded onto the floor by his closet, shades of green, red, and black were the only thing he recognized of his now destroyed memories. 

 

Without a sound, he sat on the edge of his bed, holding his face in his hands as tears fell over his face without any hesitation. Allen could feel his body start to shake violent as he pressed his palms to his eyes, the pressure relieving some of the pain that relentlessly racked his brain. As he let sobs take over his breathing, he pulled his blanket to his face, the sounds of a boy close to his breaking point were muffled by the old, worn out fabric. As his consciousness started to fade in and out, the blanket a blurry mess as he watched his blood and tears mingle and disappear into the fabric, he sat up, another spike of pain slamming into his temples. 

 

Ignoring this, Allen limped to his dresser, several drawers had been ripped out, the contents scattered at his feet as he opened the top drawer. He quickly found what he was looking for, his fingers brushing over the white, cardboard box from his memories as he pulled it out, slipping it into his back pocket as he sat at his small desk, flicking on the lamp as he pulled his battered phone from his front pocket. The screen had been cracked, no doubt as a result of the attack from Cross earlier. Allen began to quietly type out a text, his body was beginning to go numb, his mind filtering out all of the pain he was feeling. Tears still quietly poured from his dull, silver eyes as he sent the text, a shudder escaping him as he turned off his phone and made his way to the bathroom.

 

He locked the door behind him as he peered at himself in the mirror. His hair was tousled from being drug around, his eyes and nose shown a bright red from the amount of crying he had been doing since he woke up. As Allen glanced down at his clothes, a small sob escaping his bruised lips, as he carefully took off the hoodie Kanda had allowed him to borrow. 

 

“I’m sorry I got blood on it, I’m so sorry…” Allen said to no one in particular as he folded the fabric up carefully, placing it on the counter next to the sink. 

 

Allen carefully took the box from his back pocket as he sat in his tub, his knees pulled to his chest as his glossy eyes read the box text that adorned the box over and over again. 

 

**100 pack**

**Razor Blades**

**Single edge**

 

Soon enough, Allen fished one of the razors out of the box, discarding the box on the floor as he turned on the water in the bathtub, his body not shaking nearly as bad as it had before. Allen knew that he was the only one that could stop this, he was the only one that could make the abuse stop- making everything that hurt him- including himself- disappear. He could feel his eyelids getting heavy again as he stopped the water, relaxing against the cold plastic of the tub that soothed the growing bruises on his back. 

 

Without even a second thought, Allen placed the razor against his wrist, his hand shaking more than it had been before as he quickly drug the sharp metal up his arm. The burning and excruciating pain was immediate as he allowed his cries to be audible. He was crying for himself, for the life Mana was never able to live. He cried for his friends and the mess he would leave in his wake, and he cried for what he could never have after tonight. As his sobs echoed off the tile walls almost mockingly, he shakily took the razor into his other hand, dragging the metal in a similar fashion down his other arm. 

 

It didn’t take long for his body to feel cold, his consciousness was beginning to fade. Shades of red and orange painted the tub and the water his body was floating in. The ceiling looked closer than it had before, and everything was a lot more quiet despite his bodies desperate attempts at trying to breathe, his chest heaving as his lungs struggled to gather enough air. As Allen’s consciousness began to leave him, he could hear something that sounded so far away but he was far too tired. He closed his eyes and was consumed by the black void that awaited his mortal eternity. 

 

  * Kanda’s x POV    -



 

Kanda had been woke up at almost three in the morning with a frantic phone call from Lavi. It wasn’t the wake up call he was expecting as he groaned with irritation, pressing his phone to his ear as he sat up.

 

“If this is a fucking prank again Usagi, I will-” Kanda started but was quickly cut off by the sound of sobs from the man on the other line, the sound of a car engine could also be heard in the background.

 

“Kanda! Y-you have to get over to Allen’s right fucking now, he sent me a message about being  sorry for how much of a burden he was and now his fucking phone is off. Please!” Lavi choked his out, his voice was more frantic than Kanda had ever heard before.

 

Kanda was out of bed and dressed by the time Lavi had finished his plea for help and he quickly made his way down the stairs, cussing as he tripped over the last step.

 

“Fucking call the ambulance, I’m already on my way and DON’T get into accident on your way over here, dumb ass.” Kanda commanded as he hung up, taking to sprinting down the snowy streets of his and Allen’s shared neighborhood. He was by far the closest one to Allen, he would get there longer before the other two could. 

 

Kanda sprinted up the front yard of Allen’s home, not caring if anyone was home or not. When Kanda tried the doorknob, he found it was locked so he took to kicking the door until the lock broke- which didn’t take long. As he made his way inside, the house had several lights on but it was devoid of life. Kanda could feel his heart beating in his ears as he saw a pool of blood in the middle of the living room but no body was there to identify who it had come from.

 

Kanda quickly bound upstairs as he started to yell for Allen, opening every door until he saw a closed door at the end of the hallway that had a faint light coming from underneath the door. As Kanda got to the door, he realized it was locked and made a noise of annoyance as he kicked the door open once again. As he walked in, he froze, his body screaming at him to throw up at the sight before him.

 

Allen was shirtless, his head barely above the water which was almost completely red, his white hair being stained by the color of his own blood as he sunk further into the tub. 

 

Kanda quickly broke out of his daze as he pulled Allen out, his teeth clenched as he held his cold, wet body. Allen’s lips were split open but they were turning blue and his head was lulled back with no response. 

 

“Allen! Are you awake?” Kanda asked as he held his face in his hands, receiving not response as he laid him down on the bathroom tile, looking around the bathroom for anything to stop the bleeding that was flowing as a dark red out of both his arms.

 

Kanda grabbed the hoodie that he had folded up along with taking off his own shirt and he made quick work of tying the fabric around his injuries, Kanda’s hands faltering as he saw just how deep the cuts were in his arms. He didn’t know it was possible for someone as small as him to cut so deeply into his own arms. 

 

Kanda quickly propped Allen up against his chest, trying to keep his breathing even as he crossed Allen’s arms across his chest, attempting to elevate the wounds so they wouldn’t bleed as much. As he looked over his body, Kanda realized Allen had many scars that lined his arms, on in the inside and outside of both his arms, scars of varying length and depth littered his arms. 

 

“You’re not going to fucking die, not like this. What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Kanda asked as he looked at the smaller boy, checking for a pulse as he held his breath. There was a pulse but it was very weak and Kanda was barely able to find it as he kept the smaller boy close to try and keep him warm. 

 

Suddenly, down the hall, Kanda heard footsteps. He froze as he realized Lavi wouldn’t have been able to make it there that fast- even speeding, and he hadn’t heard sirens. Carefully, Kanda propped Allen up as he stood up, his shirt soaked through to the skin with water and blood alike. As he got to the door, he saw something move to his right and he quickly dodged what he realized was a hand and moved to stand in front of the door. 

 

A man, who was clearly drunk, stood in front of him with a gun in his hand. He was unsteady on his feet and he reeked of alcohol and sweat as he stood in front of Kanda, motioning to the door that he had broken downstairs. 

 

“S’breaking and entering you little fucking shit.” Cross said as he took a step towards him and Kanda didn’t move a muscle as he did so. “The fuck do you think you’re doing with that faggot in there?” Cross asked as his hand waved lazily at the bathroom. 

 

“None of your fucking business. Unless you want me to shove that gun up your ass and pull the trigger- I’d get the fuck away from me.” Kanda warned, his voice dangerous as he watched Cross take another step forward before he pointed the barrel of the gun at his forehead.

 

“You got a fucking mouth on you- stupid brat. Just like that useless piece of shit Mana dumped on me.” Cross muttered as he pulled the hammer back on the pistol. As Kanda searched for ways to get out of the situation, Cross was suddenly thrown off balance by a ball of red hair and he could hear the sirens nearing the house. 

 

Kanda made quick work of grabbing Allen as carefully as he could before bolting out of the room with him in his arms. Lavi had wrestled the gun away from the older man and he currently had him pinned with his knee in his back and his hands were being held above his head.

 

“Just go!” Lavi yelled. “I got this asshole.” 

 

Kanda met the paramedics outside, Lenalee falling to her knees as she saw the state of Allen, her eyes flicking between Kanda’s shirt and Allen’s unresponsive body. Kanda quickly filled them in on what he saw along with Allen’s pulse that was quickly fading. Not long after the ambulance left, Lavi came outside as he looked at Kanda with a wide, curious eye. 

 

“W-what happened in there?” Lavi asked, his face visibly paling as he looked at Kanda’s shirt that was now stained with Allen’s blood.

 

“I think we should go to the hospital first, I’ll fill you in there.” Kanda said as he made his way to Lavi’s car, helping Lenalee onto her feet before he got into the back of his car.

 

Wordlessly, the other two followed his lead and Lavi took off towards the hospital like a bat out of hell.

 

-x- 

 

Kanda had finished explaining the situation to Lavi, who was pacing back and forth in a private corner in the waiting room of the emergency room. The doctor hadn’t given them any updates and wouldn’t tell Kanda about what was happening to Allen despite him being covered in his blood. 

 

“You said he was fine earlier today though!” Lavi said as he looked at Kanda, his expression desperate as he searched for a rationalization of Allen’s actions.

 

“We had a fucking snowball fight in the park- he was fucking fine when was at my house. I don’t know what the fuck else you want from me, Bookman.” Kanda spit, allowing his anger to get the better of him as he looked out the window. “We won’t know why the fuck he did it until we talk to him ourselves.” 

 

Quietly, Lenalee spoke up and her gaze was far away as she looked at Kanda’s shirt. 

 

“That’s a lot of blood for one person to lose though….” she trailed off as tears began to stream down her face once again. 

 

Lavi ran a hand down his face as he pulled out his phone, starting to walk to the doors of the emergency room.

 

“I’m going to call Bookman and Komui, I’ll be back.” and with that, he disappeared out the doors with his phone pressed to his ear. 

 

Kanda sighed as he stood up, looking down at Lenalee. 

 

“I’m going to get a drink, do you want anything?” Kanda asked as he took his wallet out of his back pocket. Lenalee shook her head as she wrapped her arms around herself and leaned against the wall as she closed her eyes.

 

With that, Kanda made his way to the vending machines, allowing himself to slump against the wall before sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. He could still feel the violent nausea in his stomach every time he thought of Allen’s body in the tub. He could be dying right now for all Kanda knew and there was nothing he could do about any of it. 

 

As he thought about the situation, he curled his hands into fists, his knuckles turning white as he clenched his wallet in between his hands. He allowed his forehead to rest against his knees and without much resistance from his body, Kanda fell asleep against the side of a vending machine, his body exhausted from, what he would never admit to be, a traumatizing experience. 

 

-x- 

 

Kanda was woken up with a jolt as someone touched his shoulder, his head immediately snapped up, glaring at a pair of familiar purple eyes. Lenalee smiled weakly, her eyes puffy as she held her hand out to Kanda who took it carefully as he stood up.

 

“The doctors are talking to Komui right now… I guess he knows the doctor that did his operation so I think we might find out soon what condition he’s in.” Lenalee kept a tight hold of his hand as they made their back to the lobby where Bookman and Lavi were sitting in silence, Lavi’s face in his hands and Bookman looking at the floor. 

 

Kanda and Lenalee sat in front of Lavi and Bookman, Kanda looking Lavi over closely as he sat back in his chair, zipping up his jacket so the blood on his shirt wasn’t visible. 

 

“What did the text message say?” Kanda asked as he crossed his legs, pulling his hair into a low ponytail.

 

Lavi didn’t say anything as he carefully pulled his phone out of his pocket, handing it over to Kanda without a word. 

 

Lenalee closed her eyes as she leaned against Kanda, obviously not wanting to read the message. Kanda turned his attention back to the text message. 

 

_ “Lavi, I’m so sorry if this wakes you up, I just needed to tell someone before it was too late. Everything hurts, all the time. No matter what I do, it always ends up circling back to the same thing. I hurt because I’m me, I can’t live a normal life and I’ve been such a burden to your family as well as Lenalee’s and Kanda. I’m so sorry I couldn’t have been a better friend to you, it’s getting hard to think and I just want everything to stop. Don’t hate me, and tell the others not to be mad at me either- I’m the only one who can stop this. Thank you for being my friend, I’m so sorry.”  _

 

Kanda swallowed hard as he read the message over and over again, the air around him seeming as though it was too thick for him to breath in. Kanda eventually handed the phone back to Lavi and he could feel his jaw clench as he looked down at the ground, attempting to regain his composure. 

 

“What the fuck are we supposed to do?” Kanda asked, annoyance very evident in his voice as he looked up at the other three people in the lobby with him. “We don’t even know why the fuck he did it.” Kanda said as he glared at no one in particular. 

 

“Now is not the time to get angry, Yuu Kanda.” Bookman replied as he looked up at Kanda, irritation bubbling as he snapped back.

 

“Don’t fucking call me that.” he said as he looked out the window, a reflection of Komui was what caught his eye as he turned around to see what Komui had to say. 

 

A doctor, who was about as tall as Komui was standing next to him, his scrubs were covered in blood and Kanda could feel his stomach turn again as he waited for what the pair had to say to everyone.

 

“Allen Walker is in stable condition,” the doctor started and Kanda could feel Lenalee sobbing against his arm. “However, that doesn’t mean he’s out of the woods yet. He had to have a blood transfusion and depending on how his body is holding up tomorrow, he’ll need to have another one. From there, we have to see how his body handles the transfusion while also keeping him under supervision because of this suicide attempt.” 

 

The air was thick with tension as everyone waited for the doctor to continue speaking, Komui had a soft expression on his face and Kanda took that as somewhat of a good sign for the rest of them.

 

“We’ll allow visitors once he has woken up and gained full consciousness. For now, Komui will be the only one allowed in his room. For now, all of you should go home and rest. I know this isn’t easy for any of you.” the doctor said as he began to walk away, leaving Komui to say his goodbyes to everyone before they left. 

 

“I’ll text everyone when he is awake and able to have visitors but he is right- you should all go home and get some rest. You’ll need it for when he does wake up because it won’t be as simple as just discharging him from the hospital and pretending as though it didn’t happen. He’ll pull through.” Komui said with a nod as he pulled a crying Lenalee close. 

 

Everyone was silent as they walked out of the hospital. The air was cold and the snow had managed to pile up in the four hours they had waited in the emergency room. Kanda frowned as he looked around at the snow, listening to a conversation between Lenalee and Lavi.

 

“Since Komui won’t be home tonight, can I crash at your place? I really don’t want to be alone in the house for now.” Lenalee said as she looked between Bookman and Lavi, who both gave a nod of approval. 

 

“I’ll drive Kanda home, you just go with gramps back to the house.” Lavi said as he hugged Lenalee close, placing a kiss on her forehead as they pulled away from each other and got into their respective cars. 

 

Kanda got into Lavi’s car without a words as he stared straight ahead, his arms crossed against his chest as he leaned back against the seat. The drive home was spent largely in silence, Lavi not attempting to make conversation and that went double for Kanda. As Lavi pulled into Kanda’s driveway, he put his car in park and turned to look at him. 

 

“Thanks for everything today, Kanda.” Lavi said, catching Kanda slightly off guard. 

 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean? I wasn’t going to let that little shit drown in a tub of his own blood.” Kanda snapped as he took off his seat belt, reaching for the handle.

 

“I know,” Lavi started as he grabbed Kanda by the shoulder, making him stay in the car. “Look, I don’t what’s going on between you two recently but I want to help him too. He went from avoiding you to actively trying to find you just because you left without a coat. Just… how can I help him..?” Lavi asked as he looked up at Kanda who was staring at the redhead clinging to the back of his jacket.

 

“Don’t treat him like a victim. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with him, but I know he’s a lot more than that piece of shit that gives him bruises.” Kanda said as he opened the door, not turning to look back at Lavi as he closed the door and made his way into his apartment, plopping down on his couch heavily as he took off his jacket, looking down at his blood stained shirt.

 

“Fucking idiot.” Kanda said aloud as he took the shirt off carefully, looking around his apartment for another shirt to wear as he made his way to his laundry room when a piece of fabric caught his eye. 

 

As he turned to look at the fabric, he realized it was the hoodie Allen had left from the snowball fight they had gotten into. Kanda paused for a second before picking the piece of fabric up and sighing as he carried it up to his bedroom, laying down in his bed with the hoodie next to him as he closed his eyes. 

 

Although he was emotionally spent from the nights events, he was finding it hard to fall asleep without the sound of Allen’s snoring in his house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's that. Just know I am completely against promoting self harm or suicide. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide or hurting yourself- please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:1-800-273-8255
> 
> You matter, you are loved, you are important. 
> 
> Feel free to reach out at any time:  
> twitter: httpyoongi_  
> tumblr: boku-no-hero-todoroki


	7. Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen's friends are left to deal with the aftermath of his almost fatal decision.

It had been two days since Allen’s suicide attempt before Kanda had heard anything from Komui. He had been standing in his kitchen, making himself a small bowl of fruit that he would undoubtedly end up throwing up due to the anxiety that had consumed him since the night he found Allen. Kanda carefully scooped the various fruit into his bowl as he rubbed his tired eyes, sighing as he stared at the hoodie Allen had left at his home. 

 

-x-

 

Two days ago was the last time he had seen Allen, it was also the first time in three years that he had had a panic attack, shrouded by darkness in his room. He had been woken up by a nightmare where Komui had called to inform him that Allen hadn’t made it through the night. He had checked his phone, his hands shaking as he scanned through his recent calls but Komui’s name was nowhere to be found. 

 

As he chucked his phone back onto its place on his dresser, he sat up, pressing his forehead against his knees as he began to feel his breath being stolen by an invisible force. He quietly clutched at the front of his shirt as the unfamiliar sounds of his sobs were ripped from his chest, his tears burning as they rolled off his flushed cheeks and disappeared into the fabric of his shirt.

 

With a trembling hand, he reached to the lamp that was stationed on his dresser, his sweaty palm shone in the weak light as he hurriedly turned the light on. Just as soon as it had left, his hand had returned to the fabric of his shirt, his vision blurring to the point of darkness as his racing heart stole oxygen from his lungs. Kanda’s chest heaved as he curled up on himself, a feeling of nausea growing in the pit of his stomach as he struggled to take in even a small breath. 

 

_ “I’m dying,” _ Kanda thought as a gasp was ripped from his throat, tears staining the dark fabric of his pillowcase as his fingernails dug deeper into the fabric of his shirt.  _ “I’m going to die.” _

 

His mind was racing faster than he could keep up with, the feeling of dread clung to him just as tightly as his sweaty clothing did. 

 

Kanda could feel the strength being sapped out of his body as he allowed his room, his world, to collapse on top of him and crush him as everything imploded around him. As his breathing became easier, his tears still spilling over his now flushed cheeks, he struggled to sit up. With a weak, disgruntled noise, Kanda threw his blankets off of him. He allowed himself the time to recover from what he knew was a panic attack, the words leaving a bad taste in his mouth as he thought them.

 

Slowly, he heaved himself off his bed, his legs feeling weak underneath him as he made his way to the small bathroom that sat at the other side of his room. Soon enough, he was stripping out of his sweat-soaked clothing in favor of taking a cold shower.

 

Once Kanda had gotten out of the shower and his body wasn’t feeling so weak, he picked up his katana that sat in its case by his bed before making his way downstairs to his makeshift gym. Kanda knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep after the traumatic episode he had had upstairs so he might as well train to get something out of his insomnia. 

 

-x-

 

As he sat on his couch, his phone began to vibrate and he answered quickly when he saw the caller I.D. for Komui pop up on his screen.

 

“Is he awake?” Kanda asked, placing his bowl of fruit aside as he got up to start getting dressed.

 

“He is.” Komui answered calmly. “You’re the first person I’m calling because he is asking for you. I’ll wait to call the others until you get here.”

 

Kanda got off his couch quickly, muttering a quick thank you to Komui before hanging up and putting his coat on. After he put his boots on, he quickly gathered his keys and a small black bag that he had packed before getting into his car. After making sure he had gotten everything, he was on his way to the hospital.

 

-x-

 

Allen was placed on suicide watch, meaning there would be nurses constantly in and out of his room with the exception of when he got visitors. Before he was even allowed on Allen’s floor, the nurses checked his bag for anything sharp, pills, things that could be used to initiate another attempt at suicide. Kanda had brought a change of clothes for Allen, the nurses approving the oversized hoodie with sweats, both having the strings taken out of them. As they finished checking his bag, he slung it back over his shoulder before taking the elevator to Allen’s floor. 

 

As Kanda neared his room, he saw Komui waiting to intercept him in the hall before he was able to get into his room. Biting back his irritation as Komui pulled him aside, he adjusted the backpack on his back, looking down at the older man as he waited for him to speak.

 

“It’s not as bad as we thought it would be- in terms of the emotional turmoil.” Komui stated, keeping his voice hushed so Allen wouldn’t hear them. “Just be gentle, try not to pry too much into the reasons behind it. Allen has agreed to therapy after he is completely healed and ready to go home.” 

 

“I know this is a lot for everyone to take in, just remember to take care of yourself, Kanda.” Komui said, his expression softened as he stepped out of Kanda’s way, taking a seat on a bench close to Allen’s room.

 

“Tell that to yourself, old man.” Kanda mumbled as he adjusted the bag on his shoulder, carefully looking 

 

Kanda took a few moments to calm himself as he looked at the bright, white door, irritation bubbling inside of him as his hands shook on the doorknob. With a noise of irritation, Kanda opened the door before closing it behind him. As he walked in, the curtain was drawn around Allen’s bed, the silhouette of his frail body plastered across the cheap curtain. The windows had been barred and it was clear this was a room for someone who was still under a suicide watch.

 

Kanda pulled the curtain back and tired, silver eyes locked onto his. Kanda immediately feltnauseous as he noticed the thick bandages that covered his thin arms, an IV hanging loosely from his right arm. Taking a deep breath, Kanda put his backpack on the floor, steeling his nerves as best he could before sitting at the edge of Allen’s bed. 

 

“Kanda…” Allen said weakly as his eyes immediately filled with tears, a pale white hand clinging to Kanda’s large, calloused hand.

 

Without much thought, Kanda began to stroke the back of Allen’s hand with his thumb, his gaze fixed downwards so he wouldn’t have to see the bandages. 

 

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Kanda asked quietly, his grip tightening on Allen’s hand as he looked up at him, searching his face for answers as seemingly endless tears came from Allen’s eyes. 

 

“I-I just wanted it to stop, I couldn’t-  _ I can’t _ deal with it anymore,” Allen’s voice cracked as he looked over Kanda’s face. “At least, that’s what I thought, but I-I’m so happy I’m alive,” Allen choked out, his voice barely above a whisper as sobs took over his body and Kanda sat there quietly, never moving his hand away from Allen’s as he did so. 

 

Kanda observed the smaller boy, his throat beginning to close in on itself as he struggled to keep his tears at bay. He was angry, he wanted to be mad at Allen for what he did, he wanted to yell at him and tell him to stop being an idiot. Allen knew by now he could rely on him but he wasn’t doing it. Just as Kanda felt his facade crumbling, he heard Allen speak. 

 

“Thank you for being here, Kanda.” Allen said as he looked up at Kanda, his silver eyes red and glassy from both his pain medication and the amount of crying he had been doing. Kanda just squeezed his hand as he gave him a small nod, looking out the window to distract himself.

 

After Allen was done crying and Kandahad cleaned his face with a few tissues, he began to take out the change of clothes he had brought for Allen. Kanda stood up and helped Allen stand up as he put the clothes out in front of him.

 

“Take the gown off, I won’t look. Just use me to keep your balance since you’re fucking clumsy,” Kanda said as he turned his back. There were a few seconds of silence before Kanda heard Allen crying again, making him turn around as he looked down at him.

 

As Kanda turned away, he could see Allen clutching the hoodie to his chest, his face buried in the fabric as he muffled his sobs. 

 

“What are you crying for? I thought you liked that hoodie,” Kanda said with a confused expression on his face as he carefully tugged the fabric to make Allen look at him.

 

“I-I ruined your other hoodie. I-I’m sorry,” Allen said as he looked up at him, his eyes glassy as his hands still clung weakly to the fabric that Kanda was holding in his hands.

 

“Allen, you could wipe your ass with my clothes and I wouldn’t give a fuck. Now change into it before your fingers turn black from frostbite,” he said gruffly as he turned his back on Allen, waiting for him to get dressed once again.

 

After a couple seconds of silence, Kanda could hear the rustle of fabric and he could feel Allen’s hand on his back as he attempted to balance himself. Kanda let out a small sigh as he slightly tilted his head back, closing his eyes as he did so. He was having a hard time reminding himself that Allen was alive, that he was here with him, and his nightmares were only nightmares. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the need for confirmation causing him to shift uncomfortably as he waited for Allen to finish getting dressed. 

 

“Done,” Allen said from behind him as he heard the covers rustle, signaling that he was laying back down in bed. 

 

Kanda sat back down in his chair as he eyed Allen carefully, shaking his head as a flash of Allen’s lifeless body clouded his vision, rubbing his eyes as he did so. 

 

“Are you okay?” Allen asked quietly from beside him, his voice laced with worry.

 

Kanda waved his hand dismissively as he sat up, fixing his jacket as he looked back at Allen. He was alive and his brain knew it.

 

“Why did you do it?” Kanda asked Allen shifted uncomfortably, looking off to the side. “I don’t need exact details but finding you in the bathtub wasn’t the easiest thing to do, Allen.” 

 

Allen’s eyes widened in surprise as though he had just learned a new piece of information.

 

“You’re the one that found me?” Allen asked, looking confused. 

 

“Lavi called me and told me to go to your house at some ungodly fucking hour, so I did. I had to kick down three fucking doors to get to you,” Kanda said as he crossed his arms, leaning back against the chair. “Look, I don’t know what the fuck happened and you don’t have to tell me but you have a lot of people to rely on and help you.” 

 

“Kanda, it’s not that simple-” Allen started but he was quickly cut off, the irritation in Kanda’s voice evident. 

 

“Don’t give me that. You came to my house at three am looking for a place to stay and I gave that to you with no questions, only for you to try and kill yourself a week later. You could have come over if you were that close to the ledge. You might not have known it then, but you know it now. So don’t fucking pull some shit like this again,” Kanda said as he stood up, gathering his things as Allen sat in silence. As Kanda turned for the door, he felt Allen’s hand grab his wrist. 

 

“Can’t you stay?” Allen asked, his voice shaking as his grip tightened on his wrist. “Lenalee and Lavi are going to be here soon. I-I don’t know if I can deal with all their questions,” he let go of Kanda’s wrist. 

 

“Who the fuck said I was leaving?” Kanda asked as he looked back down at Allen. “There can only be one person at a time and I can hear Lavi’s obnoxious ass down the hallway already. If he starts to grill you, just tell him you’re tired or some shit. Now lay your ass back down and stop crying,” Kanda commanded as he walked out, his shoulder brushing Lavi’s as he did so. 

 

“Kanda got here first?” Kanda heard Lavi ask as he made his way to the bathroom, locking the door behind him as he stood over the sink, splashing his face with cold water as he allowed himself to calm down, reassuring himself that Allen was still alive, trying not to compare this experience to a similar one from his past. An experience that no one else knew about.

 

  * Allen x POV -



 

After Lavi and Lenalee left his room, he was left feeling a lot more exhausted than when he had woken up. Although Lavi and Lenalee hadn’t hounded him with questions, they still tried to talk about his attempted suicide which he didn’t really have an answer for. He had tried to take his own life because he felt as though he wasn’t living. He was taking up valuable space that someone else could be taking while simultaneously subjecting himself to Cross’ abuse, which was far worse than any death he could imagine. 

 

Allen sighed lightly as he felt his eyelids growing heavier. His head lulled to the side to look out at the sky that was now significantly darker, but the bars were obstructing his view considerably. With an annoyed sighed, Allen curled up onto his side, being careful not to tug at his IV when he heard the door open. Two pairs of footsteps could be heard crossing the white tile to his bed. His body tensed as the curtain was pulled back, revealing an exhausted Kanda and a nurse trailing close behind him.

 

“Tell this asshole that you’re comfortable with me staying, or else she won’t let me,” Kanda snapped as he shrugged the nurses hand off of his shoulder, the irritation very evident in his voice as Allen watched his eyebrow twitch. 

 

Allen relaxed and almost let a laugh escaped him as he thought that Kanda reminded him of a wet cat. 

 

“Fou, it’s okay. He’s the only person I feel comfortable with right now,” Allen said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper as he avoided Kanda’s eyes that were watching him closely. 

 

Fou let out an annoyed sigh as she crossed her arms over her chest. 

 

“I’ll be here all night too. I don’t have to be nice to you, you’re not my patient,” she said as she gave Kanda a pointed glare, her expression softening as she looked back over to Allen. “Make sure you get some sleep tonight. It does a body good.” 

 

With that, Fou closed the curtain and Allen heard her as she sat on the chair that was stationed by his door. 

 

Allen watched as Kanda sat down on a chair next to his bed, Kanda’s hair sweeping gracefully over his shoulders as he relaxed into the chair, his gaze immediately going to the ceiling as he did so. 

 

“Kanda?” Allen asked carefully as he closed his eyes, his hands tightly clasped together under his comforter as he said his name.

 

“What?” Kanda asked, the trendles of sleep were still tugging at his voice as he spoke and Allen figured he had been woken up from a nap after Lavi had left his room. 

 

“I just wanted to say sorry, and before you tell me to stop saying sorry, just listen, okay?” Allen asked as he opened his eyes to look at his ceiling. His question was met with silence which Allen took as compliance. 

 

“I’m sorry that you had to see me like that, in the bathroom,” Allen explained as he blinked back tears, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’m sorry that I didn’t rely on you more, especially because I have always known that I can rely on all of you. I just don’t think I’m worth the time or effort to be taken care of. So, I’m sorry for being so selfish, but I’m glad you saved me.” Allen said as he looked at Kanda. 

 

Allen could see that Kanda looked conflicted for some reason, his expression vulnerable and pained as he looked over his face. Allen continued to speak, fearing that he would start crying again if he didn’t keep occupying himself with something.

 

“The doctors told Komui that I died on the table twice, because of blood loss and everything. Anyways, in a weird sort of way, I almost feel more alive than I did before because of it. I remember feeling really scared when I was slipping into the water, I couldn’t move or cry, it was just dark and cold. So, thank you, Kanda. For giving me this second chance at life,” Allen finished as he gripped his blankets tightly, closing his eyes as he did so to keep his tears from spilling over. 

 

Allen didn’t open his eyes as he heard the rustle of fabric but he did open his eyes as he felt a weight on the left side of his bed. As Allen opened his eyes, he saw Kanda sitting on the edge of his bed, his head bowed as he put his hand on Allen’s shoulder.

 

“I can touch you, right?” Kanda asked, his voice barely above a whisper as Allen strained to hear him speak.

 

“You can.” Allen said cautiously, not sure what to make of the man in front of him.

 

In all the time Allen had known him, he was never one to get emotional. Even though he had just attempted to commit suicide, this was a lot, even for Kanda. There was something about Kanda that appeared child like to Allen, vulnerable and scared. 

 

As Allen answered him, Kanda adjusted himself and Allen found himself wrapped up in a hug from Kanda. As Allen allowed his hands to cling to the back of Kanda’s hoodie, he could feel tears welling up in his eyes as he pressed himself against the older man. Allen wasn’t used to physical affection, only having been exposed to it by his friends and their families as he grew up, but it was something he had come to cherish. 

 

For Allen, this was one of the most intimate forms of contact he had had with another person. This wasn’t Kanda comforting him, it was both of them clinging to the warmth of one another, cherishing the way each breath was felt and heard. Allen couldn’t help crying as he buried his face in Kanda’s neck, causing Kanda to hold him tighter as one of Kanda’s hands became tangled in Allen’s hair. 

 

“I’m not going to give you a speech, because I know Lavi already did that shit,” Kanda said and Allen could hear the way his voice shook with every word that he was trying not to cry. “But this is real, this isn’t some sympathy shit. I’m not going to question you everytime you cry because that isn’t what you need, is it?” Kanda asked as he pulled Allen closer to him.

 

Allen shook his head weakly as he relaxed against Kanda. As he shook his head, Kanda pulled Allen away just enough so he could lay on the bed before he pulled Allen onto his chest. Kanda making sure to pull the blanket back over them as he did so, his hand returning to Allen’s hair . 

 

“I’m not good at emotions or talking about feelings, but I’m not going to force anything out of you that you don’t want to talk about. Don’t do this shit alone because you want to be stubborn,” Kanda finished. 

 

Allen gave a weak nod as he tried to cling to consciousness, looking up at the other man as his eyelids struggled to stay open. As he looked up, he realized Kanda was crying but he wasn’t sobbing as Allen had been. His tears were coming out silently, his breathing as even as it had been earlier that day. Allen reached up carefully, his pale fingers brushing across his cheeks as he wiped his tears away. 

 

“Only if you promise to rely on me too,” Allen said, his voice full of determination despite being as exhausted as he was.

 

“Whatever you say, Short Shit. Now go to bed. I heard you might grow taller if you get at least eight hours.” Kanda said with a smirk as he pulled Allen closer to his chest. 

 

Allen gave a tired snort, his face nestled perfectly into the crook of Kanda’s neck. 

 

“Stay.” was the last thing Allen said as he fell asleep, his grip slowly loosening on Kanda’s hoodie as he slipped into a deep slumber. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO ALL :D I made a discord server for D. Gray Man fans! Please feel free to join :D   
> https://discord.gg/wyye4vK
> 
>  
> 
> As always, don't be afraid to reach out.  
> Twitter: httpyoongi_  
> Insta: lavithewinner

**Author's Note:**

> So, welcome to hell. The original work has 19 chapters but i'm probably going to add a couple more in, just because I think this story has more room to grow overall. Some updates might come faster than others but I'll figure it out eventually.   
> Thanks for checking it out!


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